Cat scratch fever.. in Carolina

Nothin could be finah coaching Coastal Carolina in the mooooorrrning. Well, OK, scratch that, but their football coach, David Bennett, went off on a rather bizarre rant about not wanting any cats on his team. Besides meowing a lot, he mentioned how the little critters sneak in through screen doors and can't find their way back out, amongst other things. Bennett made no kittles about it -- he wants dogs -- make that dawgs -- on his team. At least he didn't start barking or grab a reporter's pant leg in his teeth and shake it, so I suppose it could have been worse.

But wait a second. A look around the landscape of sports serves up some very interesting nicknames. There's the terrapins (turtles), ducks, owls, beavers (no comment), and even the horned frogs. Our ursine friends are covered with bears, bruins, grizzlies, and even cubs.

Yet the felines seem to dominate. Consider tigers, panthers, jaguars, wildcats, and lions. There's even "nittany" lions at Penn State. Do you have the faintest idea what that means? I didn't either until I looked it up. Nittany derives it's name from a mountain lion that used to roam Mount Nittany, in the area of where the Penn State campus now sits. I'm pretty sure there's not too many mountain lions on that campus anymore. Then again, there's no wolverines in Michigan except at the zoo. Don't laugh, Spartan fans; the Romans obliterated your heritage a couple thousand years ago. In case you hadn't noticed, if you're still eating Little Caesar's pizza, the joke's on you. Notre Dame calls itself the Fighting Irish but the original Notre Dame is in France. Beats me how all this stuff works, but so it goes.

Conversely -- and nail me if I'm missing something -- the only team I can think of named after a dog is the Georgia Bulldogs. There's no beagles, bassets, collies, boxers, labs, poodles, let alone chihuahuas or pomeranians. And not a terrier in the bunch, though you'd think the Staffordshire terrier (pit bull) might be appropriate for a football team. Despite the Vick controversy, it's not like it was the dogs' fault.

Yeah, the Cleveland Browns, named after their legendary coach/owner Paul Brown, has it's "dawg pound" where the crazies reside. But Paul Brown left that team to go start a new one in Cincinnati. The Bengals. Yikes. Another cat. See what I mean?

Let's get back to David Bennett and Coastal Carolina where this all started. He doesn't like cats. He wants dogs. Coastal Carolina's nickname used to be the Trojans. At that time, the University of South Carolina was basically their mother, but when they gained independance, they wanted a new name. USC was, and is, known as the Gamecocks, so while CC wanted to show their appreciation to their "mother", copying their name just wouldn't do.

Somehow they arrived at what they thought was a fair compromise and took the name Chanticleer for it's sports teams. Turns out, this was a reference to a witty rooster in Geoffrey Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales", which were written in the late 1300's. Seeing as how Columbus wouldn't "discover" America for another centuiry, I think it's a safe bet to assume nobody back then was overly concerned with sports names in a place they didn't even know existed.

Yet I can get on board with Bennett. One way or the other, I've been associated with a few dogs in my life. Even came to be fond of a couple. For now, I'm quite content with the two 4-legged ones (yorkies) that are both sprawled out on the bed waiting for their nightly belly-rubs as I write this.. But I digress.

Itt seems Bennett was off-target in his rant. Despite his reference to dogs, cats, and even a few meows thrown in, he missed the obvious.

His team is the Chanticleers, which presented him with a much better option.

Bennett should have flapped his arms and, going a little further along into the lyrics of the song I mentioned to start this mess --

 "If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day,
I'd make a wish and here's what (he'd) say"....

COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO.

Now that would have been just about perfect.

Lies, lies, and more lies

I just wanted to watch Jeopardy. My mom hooked me on that when I was a little boy and I've been addicted ever since.

So I clicked on channel 4 a few minutes after 7, expecting the Wheel of Fortune to be on. I could mute that for a while which would give me just about enough time to take care of a few bills and then get back to Alex. It was the Finals of the Teachers Tournament and, needless to say, from what I saw of the semis, those were 3 very sharp individuals.

Oops. President O'Bama was addressing the nation about a jobs bill. Well OK, he's the Prez, so I'll listen up. A rousing speech it was indeed. Like him or not, this dude can stir people. Given the Sharks-Jets, Bloods-Cryps mentality of Washington DC lately, to get members of the other party standing up and applauding is no small feat. But in the back of my mind, there was another reason I was tuned to channel 4.

Saints at Packers. Even the network execs saw the wisdom in not preempting that for some sort of dumbass rebuttal speech to the President's address. The last 2 Super Bowl champs getting it on at Lambeaui. This was supposed to happen at 8:30.  NBC had a digital count-down clock on the screen, telling us exactly how many minutes and seconds were left until kickoff. 7:41, 7:40. 7:39, etc.

They lied.

When that timer ran out, we were, ahem, treated to Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth, the play-by-play guy and the analyst, respectively, giving us their insights on the contest that was supposed to have already started.

That was followed by a Geico commerical.
Then an E-trade commercial.
Then a Subway commercial.
Then the NFL plugging itself with a commercial.

Back to Lambeau. The Packers are just now making their grand entrance onto the field. The cheesers go wild. I want a feaking kick-off already.

Nope, not yet. Here comes the national anthem that should have been played 20 minutes ago.

Then, of course, there's the mandatory fly-by with a few fighter jets, which is basically just a waste of time and jet fuel.

Now more wisdom from Al and Cris.At this point in time,  I swear, if I see one more commercial with a lizard or a cave man before I see some football, I'm going on a jihad.

So what happens next? Some lady sideline talking head wants an interview with Clay Matthews, a linebacker for the Packers. He's known for his engine running at high RPMs all the time anyway, but she has to stick a camera and a microphone in his face just seconds before the opening game of the season at his home field with a very good team as oppinents and a national TV audiience, to boot. Matthews is no doubt geeked  to the max, but NBC, in their infinite wisdom, just has to kill a few more minutes with some goofy reporter that probably knows as much about football as she does brain surgery. And here's an idea. If the TV folks have to put a female on the sidelines for sound bytes in an atmosphere supercharged with testosterone, why not get one that's Playboy quality, instead of Better Homes and Gardens or Field and Stream?

Listening to the Prez was pretty good. Missing Jeopardy wasn't so hot.

But when it comes to that clock and countdown?

They lie.

Justin Verlander.

The ace starting pitcher for the Detroit Tigers is having a phenomenal year. At last count, he was 21-5, has been virtually unbeatable for the last couple months, threw a no-hitter, had another near miss 1 hitter, and shows no signs of letting up. Ever since pitchers like CC Sabathia in NY and Josh Beckett in Beantown showed they were human after all, unless Verlander crashes and burns for the next month, which is highly doubtful, he's a no-brainer for the American League Cy Young award.

But MVP? No way. Loyal Tiger fans will disagree but let's gets real about this. Verlander's the best pitcher going this side of the Phillies' starting rotation but, after all, he's just that. A pitcher. A one dimensional player.

He doesn't hit for average and he doesn't hit for power. In fact, he doesn't hit at all. He can't steal bases because he's never ON base. Nobody knows if he has the speed and range required of an outfielder to go catch fly balls. For that matter, nobody knows if he can even handle a pop up, because he doesn't have to. Besides catching the ball the catcher keeps throwing back to him, can he field at all? Unknown. For the most part, his fielding consists of one-hoppers hit back to the mound and a lob toss to first base.

Yet there's a much more important reason he should not be considered as an MVP candidate. Given a 5-man starting rotation, an occasional rain-out, and a day off in the schedule here and there, Verlander only plays roughly once a week. Out of 162 games, he'll probably only appear in maybe 35 of them. That leaves 120-some games where he makes absolutely no contribution whatsoever. On the days he doesn't pitch, the Tigers might as well let him wear a T-shirt, bermuda shorts and sandals because he's not going to play anyway.

What about if something weird happens, like a 20-inning game, where they need every last guy,. you say? That would likely be a 6-7 hour affair. Maybe along about the 17th-18th inning  JV could  go throw on a uniform. They might stick him out in right field and hope for the best, but I'll flat out guarantee you he wouldn't be pitching on his off days. He might get a chance to bunt, though. That's another thing nobody knows if he can do.

I heard a stat from a "homer" talking head a few days ago. 14 times this year Verlander has won a game when the Tigers had lost the previous one. Is Verlander that good or is the last guy in the starting rotation that bad? Half empty or half full? All depends on how you want to look at it.

When it comes to MLB players, there's the big 5. Hitting for average, hitting for power, running, fielding, and throwing. Verlander can throw with the best of them, at least from 60 feet, 6 inches, about once a week. That's about it.

Verlander might run the table and go 26-5 this year, which would be highly impressive for a starting pitcher. But let's not forget his teammates who are fielding grounders, making some specatcular plays in the outfield , stealing bases, turning double plays, and giving him some serious run support. If they don't score runs, it's impossible for him to win.

Verlander's a terrific pitcher, but I don't care if he went 35-0. He's still a one dimensional player that only appears about once a week. It seems silly to me that a pitcher would ever be considerd for the MVP. Yeah, I remember, Willie Hernandez won both the Cy Young and the AL MVP for the very same Detroit Tigers back in 1984, and Roger Clemens pulled it off in 1986, but that didn't make it right. I can think of several relief pitchers (how's Mariano Rivera grab ya?) since then that have outdone anything Willie  ever accomplished, and while Verlander may be very good -- The Rocket in his prime he's not.

Verlander for the AL Cy Young? Absolutely. That should be unanimous. He should be marked #1 on every ballot.

But MVP? No way. That should also be unanimous. He should not be considered on any ballot.

Doesn't it just make sense the Most Valuable Player should be very good at more than just one thing and, for crying out loud, at least play in most of the games?

Would we be having this same conversation if an NFL QB threw 6 TD passes every game but only played in 3? I don't think so. How about an NBA player putting up 50 points or an NHL player scoring a hat trick every game, but only playing in 15? Would you consider them for MVP? I doubt it.

Cy Young yes.

If MVP stood for Most Valuable Pitcher, or Most Valuable Parttimer, I'd be all for it.

But Most Valuable Player? No way..

NASCAR's huge ongoing marketing mistake

Baseball, basketball, football, hockey and even soccer to a lesser extent, have figured this out. But not NASCAR.

When it comes to sports related paraphernalia available to the average fan, he/she has a wide variety to choose from. There's caps, T-shirts, posters, coffee mugs, cigarette lighters, windbreakers, and countless other items for sale at your local sporting goods store. They all bring in a tidy little profit to a league, a player, or a team. A few bucks here, a few bucks there, multiply it by thousands of fans, and the next thing you know -- you're talking serious money.

But what's typically the big ticket item? A jersey with the team logo. Fans will pay hundreds of dollars for "genuine" jerseys, though in reality, sometimes they're just cheap knock-offs of the real thing. You see them everywhere. Some fans put so much faith in those jerseys that they'll keep wearing them even after the player, whose name and number are featured  on the back, has spurned their team and town, moved on to another team through free agency, come back to be instrumental in defeating that original team, and even gloated over it. It's amazing. Either that, or they couldn't afford to buy any other clothes after purchasing that jersey.

Think of the "Cup" cars and what comes to mind? Decals plastered all over them. You name the product, from spark plugs and oill filters to laundry detergent, and chances are they have a decal on the car. It works both ways. The racing tream wants to squeeze every last dime they can get out of sponsors, while likely getting free or heavily discounted prices on the products, and the sponsors get a little name recognition on TV for those same products. That's all fine and dandy.

But what about the drivers? They have all the same product logos stitched on their racing uniforms. Other than being quickly panned on TV for the national anthem, and only the winner hopping out of his car in victory lane, the exposure for all those stitch-ons is virtually zero during the course of the race, while they're in their cars.

This is where NASCAR is missing a golden marketing opportunity. They don't have jerseys to sell.

Instead of alll that advertising crap on their uniforms that nobody pays the slightest bit of attention to anyway, why not do it like the other major sports? Put their car number on the back, their name across their shoulders, and a team logo, say Roush, Gibbs, Hendricks, Childress, whatever, on the front.

The car itself has been doing all the advertising for the usual 3-4  hour duration of a typical race. The racing uniforms need not be redundant about it.

Name, car number, and "team", with a little imagination thrown in for color schemes -- no sponsors allowed --  is all they need to do with jerseys, and watch them fly off the shelves. Cha-ching.

To the good folks in charge of NASCAR, I would say this -- seeing as how it was my idea -- if you decide to pursue this course of future revenue, I would expect to be reasonably compensated.

I'm a man of modest means. I'm thinking ten percent might be satisfactory. Every time you get a Franklin from those jersey sales, I get a Hamilton. Giving up 10% of a cash cow you never had before would seem to be more than fair.

However, final decisions on such matters must be worked out with my agent, Henry.

Myth Busters. Tom "Killer" Kowalski

I never had the pleasure of meeting Tom "Killer" Kowalski. By most accounts he was a helluva journalist and an even better man. His sudden passing at the age of 51 shocked and saddened many who had come to know him in one way or the other over his illustrious career.

Yet, with all due respect, something needs to be cleared up. In the last several days, I've heard many people say he could cover the Lions so well because he played the game for them once upon a time.

Tom started his sports writing career barely out of high school at the Oakland Press, moved on to other pastures,  and eventually got a radio and TV gig, where many of you saw him on the pre-game shows of Lions' games.  He was really good at all of that stuff and highly respected on many levels. It's very rare for a professional sports franchise to honor a media person, but the Lions have seen fit to do so. That should tell you something about how highly Kowalski was thought of.

But let's get the record straight and maybe even settle a few bets. Tom was a multi-talented guy, but no, he was never an offensive lineman for the Lions, or any other NFL team. While he was certainly well-versed in pro football over his years of experience covering it, and may he RIP, he never played the game. Nor was he ever a "professional" wrestler. That was another guy, a generation before Tom, and only a "stage" name anyway.

Let's celebrate Tom's life for what it was, not what it wasn't.

Serena Williams and Gilda Radner

Serena is one of the top female tennis players in the world, but she's certainly not unbeatable. The thing about her is, she won't give credit to an opponent who has just dispatched her. You'll never hear Serena say, "I got beat, fair and square. She was better than I was today and deserved to win".

Oh no. With Serena, there always seems to be a multitude of excuses. A sore foot, a twisted knee, an ingrown toenail, something with an elbow or wrist, headaches, cramps, or whatever the whine of the day is. What's next? The balls weren't bouncing right? Solar flares? Global warming? Halley's Comet?

Serena will never jsut humbly admit defeat. Perhaps the late, great Gilda Radner put it best  in one of her roles on the original Saturday Night Live.

Like her older sister Venus, it would appear Serena has come down with an illness of her own. Mysteriously, the symtoms keep changing.

If it's not one thing -- it's another.

But it's always something.

We came to know it as Roseanne Roseannadanna Syndrome.

Venus Williams has been sick

VW says she's relieved to finally find out why she hasn't been performing up to her old standards on the tennis court lately. Evidently, she has something called Sjogren's Syndrome. A quick Google search discovered the most common symptoms of that disease are dry eyes and a dry mouth. It may well be that she is inflicted by the malady named after a Swedish eye doctor. The good news is -- this is treatable.

However, another explanation is worth considering. There's a little known disease that she may also have contracted that would explain her recent play, particularly in the latter rounds of tournaments, when the pressure is on, and she's staring at a world class player across the net.

The symptoms are similar to Sjogren's, but also include an irrational feeling of dread. This is known as the syndrome of Deppuhw Nitteg. Sadly, there is no known cure or treatment available at this time.

You can do all the internet searches you want but no information on this mysterious illness seems to be available. To learn more about Venus' other possible affliction, which includes the above mentioned dry eyes, dry mouth, and especially an unexplainable fear that may have affected her play in the last couple years --  simply spell Deppuhw Nitteg backwards.

(Thank you for the mindset, Al Jaffee. You've been one of my heroes for over 40 years).

Al Jaffee you can Google. That will tell you more.