Kobe Bryant and Mozart

Attn.

Department of Just When You Thought You'd Heard Everything

To whom it may concern,


You may wish to consider recent statements by Kobe Bean Bryant, a professional basketball player for the Los Angeles Lakers. It appears the relatively young man is suffering from delusions of grandeur.

As you have surely known for some time, Mr. Bryant has never been shy about drawing attention to himself and touting his own "greatness" over the years. Yet it now seems Mr. Bryant has finally, tragically, spiralled downward into a world heretofore only known by the likes of Walter Mittys on some serious 'roids. In laymen's terms, this roughly translates into he's gone off the deep end.

How else to explain his recent comparison of himself to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart?

Centuries ago, Mozart was, and remains to this day, one of the grand masters in the history of musical compositions. At age five, Mozart was already proficient on an ancestor of the piano called a clavier, and began composing. At age five, Kobe Bryant was learning how to dribble a basketball.

Mozart would go on to write many symphonies. Such epic works entailed the arduous task of composing various parts for different musical sections. Strings, woodwinds, horns, percussion, etc. When it all came together, it was a masterpiece. Kobe would go on to learn how to shoot. There's scores -- and then there's scores.

True, Mozart was never an MVP, nor was he chosen to go to a composers All-Star concert, but those things weren't exactly in vogue back when he was at his peak (roughly the same time as the American Revolutionary War and its immediate aftermath). And no, Wolfgang was never crowned a member of a World Champion team even once, let alone several times. It might also fairly be concluded that Mozart didn't make a ton of money on endorsements and have reporters hanging on his every word wherever he went.

Actual portraits of Mozart are rare, but I've never seen one where he was depicted with the Nike swoosh on any of his garments. Ludwig Von Beethoven was said to have been inspired by his music. It made him soar. Yet no record can be found of Beethoven sporting a pair of Air Mozarts while he was composing and conducting his own symphonies years later. Evidently, times have changed.

Nonetheless, there are parallels to be drawn between Mozart and Kobe Bryant.

In his final years, which history suggest were amongst his most productive, Mozart was in poor health. He got by on paltry contributions from others. Kobe's struggled with a variety of ailments in the last couple years and if one can't play -- they can't produce. He gets by on $24 million a year.

There were times during Mozart's later life when he was shunned by many of his peers. Anybody that was any good on the Lakers has bailed to get away from Kobe.

In other words, while many thought of him as a genius, Mozart had many detractors during his days. Ditto for Bryant.

The tragic irony is Mozart died just short of his 36th birthday. He had accomplished so much in such a short life. His musical genius will forever be remembered and revered.

Kobe Bryant is now -- yikes -- 36. Granted, chances are Kobe's going to be around for a while longer, but over 200 years from now will anybody still consider him a grand master of the ages? Likely not. A difference.

Finally, there's the name thing, and another noted professional athlete comes into play.

Mozart was actually christened Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart at birth. The Amadeus (which translates from the Latin as "Love God") part was added later by unknown others, likely long after he died. At any rate, given a name like that, it's probably a good thing Mozart didn't have to sign a lot of official documents, much less autographs back in the day. Talk about writer's cramp....

Bryant's parents have claimed they named him Kobe after a variety of beef best known in Japan. Why would a mom and dad name their son after a cut of meat? Worse yet, they gave him the middle name of Bean. A vegetable. Well OK, Kobe Bean was probably preferable to Brisket Zucchini -- but still....

And what was up with Tiger's folks when he came into the world? His given name is Eldrick Tont Woods. Not too many Eldricks around, but what gives with the Tont? Were they Lone Ranger fans but forgot the "O" at the end of the name of his trusty sidekick?

I dunno. Beats Kem Sabe or Hiy Silver, I guess.

In the end, Kobe Bryant saying he hits just the right notes like Mozart once did seems akin to a graffiti spray painter likening himself to Rembrandt.

Somehow it just doesn't feel right.

I really didn't know who else to plead my case to. But here's hoping your Dept. of Just When You Thought You'd Heard Everything has a subcommittee that specializes in further investigations of the outrageous and ridiculous.

Regards,

The Wrathster.