If you're a baseball fan -- and who isn't -- somewhere along the line you've seen a fight break out. Usually, this has to do with a pitcher "plunking" an opposing batter. Or throwing behind him. Or a little "chin music". Sometimes a pitcher just glaring at a batter will set him off.
We know the drill. The batter charges the mound and everybody in both dugouts, including elderly coaches, wants to "jump in". Relief pitchers that were playing cards, napping, or sexting their girlfriends in the bullpens, over a football field away, will come running as well, though they likely have no idea what started the whole mess. Unless they were awake and saw it on the Jumbotron.
And then what happens? Pretty much nothing. Major league baseball players are pitiful when it comes to fighting. I'm guessing the ladies on the LPGA or pro tennis tours could get most of these guys to "tap out" within 20 seconds or so in hand-to-hand combat. Did I mention pitiful?
So a whole bunch of milling around goes on, insults and threats are exchanged, the umpires finally restore order, and the game goes on. No TKOs, arm bars, submission holds, and nary a drop of blood is spilled. The Campfire Girls squaring off against the Cub Scouts would offer a better fight. At least the millionaires in the bullpen wake up and get a little exercise. But it's all so futile. A colossal waste of time and energy.
There's a better way. Much like the rules the NBA, NFL, and NHL have instituted, any player coming off the bench (or bullpen) to join a fray should be banged in a big way. Make it like drug tests. First offense -- 50 game suspension -- without pay. That would stop this wimpy nonsense. But what would happen if all the wannabes charged the field anyway, you ask? After all, one can't suspend the whole team.
BS. Sure you can. Everybody in the minor leagues moves up a notch. It would take a team out of contention and potentially cost them umpteen millions and potential glory? Tough. The players should have been more disciplined and professional. It would only take one example for everybody else to fall in line. And consider the money that could be put to good use. 30-40 players making millions that violate this policy would have to forfeit some serious bucks over the course of 50 games. That could provide a lot of shelters for the homeless, feed starving children and, in a perfect world, maybe even lower ticket and concession prices for a couple months. Couldn't hurt.
Yet these days, everything is hi-tech monitored designed to keep an eye on people. Cameras everywhere, phone taps, drones, tethers, even the GPS in your car and phone works the other way as well. They know where you are.
So why not put technology to use in baseball? Most of those guys like to wear some "bling" around their necks anyway. Implant a chip in all that gold that acts like a dog collar when a canine approaches an "invisible", underground fence. If they're getting close to someplace they shouldn't be -- zap them. They'll learn. If guys attempt to come out of the dugouts or bullpens to wimp it up, a properly programmed computer could quickly immobilize them before the situation escalates. Plus, in the long run, even the players would likely be happy. It saved them a 50 game suspension and a pile of dough.
While we're at it -- let's go a step further. With the same collars, get rid of the "warning tracks" and put an underground fence all around the outer perimeter of the playing field. When players get close, they'd feel a little buzz. This would have the additional advantage of stopping them from leaning into the seats trying to catch a fly ball. Doing so would be very painful as they got seriously zapped. And good grief, why not let that poor fan that shelled out a few hundred bucks to be at the game catch the ball rather than robbing it from them at the last second, along with trashing their $10 cup of beer and $8 moldy hot dog? Seems fair enough.
Same with the managers and umpires. Put collars on them. When they get into one of their childish "rhubarbs" throwing hissy fits -- and it's hard to tell which is the more immature -- spazz them both back into adulthood. They'll learn too.
This is a game for grown-ups. You don't see any 12 year olds on the field, nor any gang colors -- though there is an abundance of tattoos and "look at me, I'm the greatest" moments. That schtick worked for Mohammed Ali and Jackie Gleason back in the day, and maybe they deserved it. But nowadays, baseball players should start acting like the highly paid professional athletes they are, rather than a busload of kids turned loose on an Easter egg hunt when something happens on the field they had nothing to do with.
Baseball players and fights are like Sumo wrestlers and 6-pack abs. Some things just aren't meant to go together. Stop it.
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