The Tiger Woods show

Welcome to the greatest spectacle on earth (or at least in American sports), boys and girls.

Yessirree, step right up and get your peanuts, corn dogs, and cotton candy. You thought circuses were a thing of the past? Not so. One is still very much alive and well.

That would be the Eldrick Tont Woods (sometimes known as Tiger) show.

Sound the trumpets, bring on the dancing girls, and all ye peons fall to your knees in awe. Yep, the almighty Tiger has made his triumphant return to golf. Again, for the umpteenth time.

Many have said this supposedly monumental occasion has been "long awaited".

There are others, including yours truly, that considered it "long dreaded".

Nevertheless, there was the, ahem, honorable Eldrick participating in a mini-golf tournament called the Hero Challenge. Indeed, hard as it is to believe, some actually still consider Woods some sort of hero. Crazy, I know.

And sure enough, when the first round was over, the fawning media went right back to their old tricks. An interview with Tiger. Then another one, while totally ignoring the players that had fared better on the course. My stomach was starting to get a bit queasy.

They screamed to the heavens that, OMG, Tiger was on the leader board at three under par. Nevermind that in a meager eighteen man field it's pretty hard NOT to be on the leader board, and he was in a modest eighth place.

Yet here's the thing. This particular field included eight of the top nine rated golfers in the world. You know, studs like Dustin Johnson, Justin Rose, Jordan Spieth, Rickey Fowler, and Matt Kuchar.

So here's a question. How, pray tell, did Eldrick, who was ranked roughly #1200 in the world, belong in this tournament in the first place? 1200? Did anybody know the rankings even went down that far? They probably otherwise wouldn't, except the rankers had to find a way to keep Eldrick in the conversation.

Even if ET Woods finishes dead last -- and he might very well crash and burn like the Hindenburg over the next few days -- he'll still zoom up all the way to -- wait for it -- inside the top 1000. Well glory hallelujah and call the adoring masses to prayer to give thanks. Meanwhile, I'm reaching for the Pepto to try and quell the growing unease in my abdomen. Urp.

But that wasn't enough for the pseudo hero-worshipers (see TV folks) trying to resurrect their fallen idol.

Oh no, they had to show the public another huge dose of Eldrick "highlights", over and over and over. See Tiger drive. See Tiger putt. See Tiger strolling up the fairways. See everything Tiger, ad nauseum, and then in slo-mo a few more times.

And that did it. I had no choice but to run to the throne, get on my knees, and do a little worshiping of the porcelain receptacle myself. Barf.

Here's the last questions. What does it take for supposedly otherwise semi-intelligent people to finally understand this guy isn't any good any more?  And why do they keep trying to make him a hero, when he's obviously proven he's anything but in so many ways?

Woods has about as much chance of coming back to the tour and winning anything, much less being dominant, as I have of becoming Mr. Universe next year.

True, anything's theoretically possible, save perhaps a certain president acting his age, but let's just say the odds aren't exactly good for any of these things to happen.

The moral of the story?

Stick a long overdue fork in dear Eldrick. Good grief. If his ex Elin had succeeded in rightfully taking a divot out of his head with one of his own clubs when the poor lass discovered the breadth of her husband's infidelity, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. And his legendary back problems would be the least of his worries.

Like it or not, the dude's done, and has been -- heavy on the "HAS BEEN" -- for quite some time.

Much like Humpty Dumpty, there just ain't no putting that critter back together again.

One can only wonder how long it will take before the media allows him to mercifully -- for objective sports fans -- slide into the oblivion he has so long deserved.