Warning. While the following is intended as a spoof, it contains language and references that may be offensive to some readers. For those of the "thin-skinned" or "politically correct" variety, it is suggested you stop right here, and perhaps watch an old Disney movie, or maybe check out another blog about kittens or puppies. It's time to play hardball.
Michael Phelps is a great swimmer, probably the best of all time so far. His total Olympic medal count over the course of 3 Olympiads would certainly reflect that. I rooted for him. Go, Michael, go. But how much is enough? Seeing that same mug on the TV over and over again gets irritating after a while. No, not Michael -- his mom. Whenever her boy wins a race, the TV cameras zoom in on her and she acts like she just got the OK to pass through St. Peter's gates. The first couple go-rounds I can understand, due to the thrill of it all, but when it gets up to the 10th, 15th, or maybe 20th time, the same old shtick, knowing she's going to be on camera, starts to get really old.
She's not the only one. There's lots of moms that get air time. Americans only, of course. Even though the Olympics are in London, we'll never see a mom of a foreign athlete that just won a gold medal. This is an international event. Shouldn't they count too?
Yet, when it comes to some of the American moms, I can see why their kids are so slim and trim. They don't get any food at home. Mom's eating it all. Have you seen the size of some of those women? It's a good thing they're not tigers, or the future Olympians they spawned might never have made it. They would have been eaten when mom's munchies ran low.
And what's up with the American female swimmers anyway? They glide through the water like torpedoes, and pretty much have a build to match. This is a good thing for lady swimmers. Maybe not so good when men size them up romantically later in life. But when they pop up out of the water after any race and smile -- they all have exactly the same set of teeth. From incisors, to canines, to bicuspids, to molars, forensic scientists would have their hands full trying to tell them apart. It's like they all came from the same mold. Amazing.
An American woman pulled off a huge upset and won a gold medal in judo. She competed in the 78 kilogram weight class. How nice. Translated, that means she weighed in at over 170 pounds. Why not just say it like it is? This was a big girl, that's really good at throwing other big girls around. In woman-speak, what would they tell us next? Her shoe size is five centimeters? Please. I wonder how big HER mom is?
American Gabrielle Douglas won the the gold medal as the best over-all female gymnast, a very impressive feat. Get ready for the Gabby blitz, because it's coming. She's the first black, or in the case of the United States, first "African-American" to win that particular medal. Makers of various products will be falling all over each other trying to get Gabby to endorse their wares, while showering her with money. She hadn't even left London yet and Oprah Winfrey was offering Ms. Douglas her own TV reality show. Fair question -- do you think Oprah would have done that if Gabby was white, or Hispanic, or oriental, or anything but African-American? I highly doubt it. Make of that what you will. Gabby has the nickname "Flying Squirrel", reminiscent of Rocky in the old Bullwinkle cartoons. A skinny little thing gracefully flying around everywhere. When they showed her mom, it didn't appear like she'd missed any meals in a while. Gabby has already been shown holding up a box of a Kellogg cereal product. Gee, between her and her mom, I wonder who's going to scarf down more free Frosted Flakes in the near future?
Now the track and field events have started. Some of those athletes, such as the 100 meter dashers, are wound up tighter than Joan Rivers' new face. One never knows what might happen with all that when they get turned loose. Everything could be just fine, or it could self destruct into something hideous in the next 10 seconds. It's almost scary to watch. I'm pretty sure we won't be seeing Joan's mom on camera, but what of the boys and girls that are competing in the various track and field events? If they win -- will we see more shots of moms front and center on NBC? Will they have a flag in one hand, a couple twinkies in the other, and a jumbo triple buttered popcorn between their legs?
Beats me. Stay tuned.
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