Might as well. The politicians have taken everything else from us, so chances are they'll be coming for our clothes pretty soon anyway. And did you hear what that nitwit.... Wait a sec...What's that?
"STICK TO SPORTS, STUPID".
Oh. Right. Got it. Sorry.
Where was I? Oh yeah. The NHL and the owners want to drastically reduce the percentage of money the players get, make it all but impossible for them to ever become free agents, and strip them of any arbitration rights. All this despite a few years back the owners cutting their salary caps in half, and this last year posting profits of over $3 billion dollars -- a record. What's next? Making the players buy tickets to play in the games? Might as well take away their uniforms and have them all play naked while they're at it. That would cut down on their overhead. Skates and sticks only. Regular pull toys on ice. (Wow, the holding calls could get a little personal, and I don't even want to think about slashing). As fans, there would be only one thing to do. Everybody show up naked as well. No wallets, no purses, no money, no nothing except a ticket in their hands. The concession stands sit totally idle. If they want to play the skin(flint) game, then so should we. And don't forget to flush the toilets -- a lot.
The NFL is doing the same thing with their regular on-field officials. While the league and the owners continue to rake in Pentagon bucks, they seem to have developed what a teenaged boy usually gets when he sees his first porno movie during contract negotiations with the experienced refs. In the meantime, the officiating has become a bad joke with the cut-rate clowns overseeing the games. A player returning a punt getting called for holding? Please.
It's been reported they even recruited one of the replacement refs from the Lingerie League. I had no idea what that even was, so a little fact checking was in order. Turns out, it's a 7 on 7 tackle football league, and the players wear helmets, shoulder, elbow, and knee pads. But guess what? Like the NHL scenario above -- they don't get any uniforms either. To boot, standard equipment includes bras, panties and garter belts. I've never seen them play, but I sure hope this is a girls only thing. If there's guys involved with THAT sort of dress code -- I don't EVER want to see it. Brrr.
The point is -- they're wearing next to nothing anyway, so why not just go naked and get it over with? Couldn't hurt their ratings, seeing as they don't appear to have any right now. And why would a ref working for table scraps leave that league to jump into the NFL for peanuts? As least in the Lingerie League he would never get exposed as an incompetent boob on national TV.
Yep, if they finally take our clothes away, we'll have to get used to being naked anyway. But it could have it's up sides. Think of the money we could save. Got kids that want new clothes every time you blink? Not any more. Women showing up at a social event wearing the same outfit? Poof. Problem solved. And no more of those uppity fashion shows where stick girls model outfits nobody can afford to buy anyway. The Wal-Mart controversy about Chinese clothes on their shelves and hangars? Gone.
And hey, let's not forget about the athletes. If they're in their birthday suits too, EVERY night would be ladies' night at the games. I'd wager the girls would pay double the face value of a ticket to see a hunky boy like Justin Verlander take the mound naked. Talk about throwing some heat. If Calvin Johnson is as well-endowed elsewhere as he is with his pass catching skills -- he might give the name Megatron a whole new meaning. He runs the fly pattern and goes deep once in a while, right? If Matthew Stafford ran a naked reverse, he really WOULD be. The possibilities are endless.
Of course, for every positive there has to be a negative. If this naked thing catches on, by popular demand, Tigers' manager Jim Leyland would have to be banned into the clubhouse beneath the stadium -- forever. Nobody wants to see that.
And a Lions' game? Seriously darken the tint, or maybe just paint over the window on the owner's suite -- just in case William Clay Ford shows up, especially on the Thanksgiving day game. He probably wouldn't notice the difference anyway, and you never know where the prying eyes of the TV cameras will be trained. Why take a chance on spoiling millions of appetites across the nation on that special day?
This whole thing about getting naked is ludicrous, you say? Probably. But Augusta National just admitted women members, and once upon a time Dan Quayle was a heartbeat away from being President of the United States, as is Joe Biden now. Anything's possible.
But I'm not supposed to talk about that stuff. Right.
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