Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Spoofing names and initials

If the New England Patriots are commonly called the Pats, and the Jacksonville Jaguars the Jags, what should we call the Tennessee Titans for short? Hmm.

And while on the subject of possibly riling up the lady fans, dare we come up with an abbreviated name for the Charlotte Hornets? Yikes, that could get ugly in the morning.

A generation ago, jolly old England gave us Princess Di. Sadly, that's exactly what happened in a car crash.

It is interesting to note the initials of the President of the United States. He's even been referred to as "BO". But the letters themselves have long had another not-so-good connotation. BO, as in body odor. Could it be?

And between his wife and kids we have a Michelle, Malia Ann, and Natasha. Add it all up and America's first family consists of a BO, a MO, a MAO, and a NO. Natasha is more well known by a pet name. Sasha. SO?

On the other hand, we have Melania Trump, the latest and greatest wife of the Donald. Her initials are obviously MT. Look into her eyes and listen closely when she speaks. "Empty" would seem to be the perfect moniker.

Longtime Duke men's basketball head coach Mike Krzyzewski's name has been shortened to just Coach K. Probably because nobody knew how to spell or pronounce it -- maybe even him. Everybody's cool with just "Coach Kay".

But what about legendary women's basketball coach Pat Summit during her time at Tennessee? She became known as Coach Pat but never just "Coach Pee". That might not have went over so well. Funny how just a single letter can make such a difference in perception.

Current TNT NBA analyst Charles Barkley was known in his playing days for soaring high to grab rebounds. Would it be fair to call him Upchuck these days? Consider that thought the next time you see him swing a golf club. That's about enough to make anybody nauseous.

Eldrick Tont Woods became Tiger. Should he have been called Ellie instead?

Laurence Turead became Mr. T of film and screen. So what happened to Larry? Oh, that's right. He's the Cable Guy. But his real first name is Daniel.

Caryn Elaine Johnson, a pretty enough name, somehow turned into Whoopi Goldberg. Go figure.

Last but not least there is one Shaquille O'Neal. The big goof sits on the same panel as Upchuck, begging to stay relevant Kennie, and while bow-tie nerdy Ernie tries to keep some sort of order in the asylum.

Mostly Shaq just stares off into space or occasionally grunts. Yet to earn his paycheck another SO is obligated to actually, you know, say something once in a while.

And that is exactly where the best shortened version of a name should come into play.



He should collect his hefty NBA pension, scarf up whatever endorsements he can get for any company still desperate enough to use him as a spokesperson to hawk their product, and hope for a future role as an extra in a movie. It's likely only a matter of time before another Planet of the Apes sequel comes around.

Either that, or marry one of the K girls and get his own reality TV show. If America has been dumb enough to make them some sort of role models, it's certainly dumb enough to accommodate Mr. O'Neal as a leading man.

But for now, let's just stick to SH!. Every time he opens his mouth, it just makes matters worse.

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