Thursday, December 8, 2016

Vonn Miller and Mad Dog

By all accounts, well, at least this one, that was a pretty cool thing to do. It seems Denver Bronco defensive lineman supreme Vonn Miller sent a bottle of wine to every player in the AFC West. Bubbly all around and Merry pre-Christmas boys.

Now yours truly would be the first to admit he knows absolutely nothing about wine. Never touch the stuff. In fact, the very smell of it makes my stomach a bit queasy. Methinks that all goes back to something incredibly stupid I and a few of my equally dumb buddies did many moons ago. It was New Year's eve. For whatever reason we decided to go out drinking. Memory fails me, but we must have found an adult to buy us booze, because we were all underage (19 or 20). Other than the communion variety, I had never tasted wine before in my life. But somehow I wound up with a big bottle of Mad Dog. Then we jumped into my mom's car (she knew nothing of our intent) and proceeded to drive around town swigging away. All this was quite illegal, of course, though we did have a designated driver who wouldn't be drinking.

To this day, decades later, I don't know where we went, though I vaguely remember being inside a pizza joint and throwing up on the floor. Let's just say I was trashed. Evidently, so were all my friends. When I woke up in the car the next morning, in the driveway of my parents house, damn near frozen to death, signs of sickness were everywhere. All over the front of my clothes, and my friends had done me the not so great courtesy of upchucking in the vehicle as well. What a god-awful smelly mess and there was no hiding it. Needless to say, mom and dad were so proud of me. That little stunt cost me a lot of grief and atonement, and rightfully so. At any rate, Mad Dog and any other sort of wine has definitely turned me off ever since. Even seeing other adults partake these days brings the memory back. Lesson learned the hard way and no thanks -- ever again. Though, vicious hangover notwithstanding, I was made to scrub that car all the next day, that poor little Chevy Nova was never the same either.

But back to Miller and his vino largess. The entire AFC West takes in the Oakland Raiders, KC Chiefs, San Diego Chargers, and his own Broncos. If we assume this was a "players only" type of gesture, that's still a whole lot of guys. Including practice squads, there's 53 per team. Do the math and that comes out to well over 200 players. We can probably also safety assume Miller was getting them something a little higher grade than Mad Dog.

Again, I know nothing of such things, but I'd take a wild guess and say one can get a pretty decent bottle of wine for maybe 100 bucks. Multiplied out, that comes to a tab of roughly 20 grand. Plus postage, of course.

Idle thought. How does one go about mailing 200+ bottles of wine? At that, did he send a bulk package to each team's headquarters or individuals to their home addresses? Either way, that shipping and handling thing had to be a killer.

Granted, most of us lowlifes, aka sports fans, couldn't afford to mail out 200 bottles of cheap beer -- if we even knew that many people -- let alone fine wine. OMG, that's over 8 cases. Even if you could catch it on sale at your local grocery or party store, who's got those kind of bucks to throw around?

But such a tab likely poses little problem for Vonn Miller. After all, he's making $19 million this year. Even after taxes, it stands to reason he'll take home at least 12 or 13 of that. A mere 20 grand is chump change in his world, like you or I dropping a couple bucks in a Salvation Army pot somewhere in ours.

Still, it's the thought that counts -- right? And sending a bottle of vino to every player on the opposing teams in his division shows class.

Here's hoping the story ends there and everybody lives, and partakes, happily ever after.

But if we hear in the future about a couple hundred NFL players stumbling stupidly about town, vomiting in pizzerias and inside their own rides, then we'll know the otherwise good Mr. Miller has done the unthinkable.

No, tell me he wouldn't. Over 200 bottles of Mad Dog could possibly be in the mail as we speak, seeking out to destroy their targets as once befell yours truly?

Perish the thought.

And God help them when their moms find out.

1 comment:

  1. Mad Dog probably tastes like Thunderbird...I hope not for the players that will receive Vonn Millers gift.