Detroit Lions new head coach is...

Well, nobody knows yet. As usual, the Lions are sitting on their hands while other teams snatch up new head coaches, and will probably be left with the proverbial leftovers to choose from.

That was the case a few years ago. After head coach Jim Schwartz deservedly was shown the door, the coaching carousel went round and round again, and the Lions wound up with Jim Caldwell.

The very same Caldwell that had inherited a terrific team in Indianapolis from Tony Dungy, and would go 14-2 in his first year at the helm, including a Super Bowl (loss) appearance. Alas, within two years, he had run that team into the ground and was deservedly fired himself.

This is the guy the Lions wanted. If it wasn't so sad, it would be comical.

Back around the turn of the century, the Lions were in pitiful shape and needed somebody to step in, take charge, and turn it around. It should be noted that a guy named Bill Parcells was out there and potentially available at the time.

So what did the Lions do? Hired a guy named Matt Millen to a long term bazillion dollar contract. Worse, they stuck with him for eight -- count em -- EIGHT years as the franchise became more of a laughingstock every year. Eight years to realize the obvious?

Just today, one Jon Gruden was announced as the new head coach of the Oakland (soon to be Las Vegas) Raiders.

Few would doubt Gruden knows pro football. Every aspect of it. He was a player, learned at the knees of Mike Holmgren and Ron Woolf in Green Bay, and a former head coach of those same Raiders. He didn't want to leave, but was traded, to the Tampa Bay Bucs, where he promptly won a Super Bowl in his first year there. After years of being a TV analyst, he's had access to every venue in the league and was able to watch -- and learn -- from how other teams conducted their business. Add it all up and throw in the fact he's obviously a very bright guy and terrific motivator, and the Raiders got the perfect guy to lead them.

Thing is, Gruden's always been a Raider at heart. It just fits his maverick style. And don't be surprised if the black and silver crew improve immensely, and quickly.

Could the Detroit Lions have wooed him into their camp? Not a chance. It's not always about the money, and, besides, Gruden had a pretty sweet financial gig going on at ESPN lately. It's not like he's hurting for dough. Oakland was likely the only head coaching job he would have taken.

So who will the Lions wind up with?

They've floated rumors of interest in New England defensive coordinator Matt Patricia. The chances of him coming to Detroit? Like zero. Same with offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels. The only way they leave the most successful professional sports franchise over the last two decades would be to go to a team where they had an opportunity to shine for themselves.

Detroit is not that place. It's long been a graveyard for head coaches. No head coach in Lions history has ever gotten an equivalent job elsewhere. And Caldwell won't either.

Though hailed as some sort of savior in Detroit, Bob Quinn, currently their general manager, was just another example of Lions buffoonery. They thought because he came from the Patriots, he was a genius.

Thing is, while with the Pats, Quinn was no more than a head scout. For another team to elevate him to their general manager position would be like promoting a second lieutenant to full bird colonel. That's a heck of a leap-frogging act. A shavetail to an eagle? Only the Lions could see fit to do such a thing. Not only that, but be proud of it.

Somewhat predictably, yon former junior louie has pretty much botched things since being put in charge of the Lions personnel. Sure, he's making a ton of dough, and good for him. But's he missed on his first two drafts, getting nobody of consequence in the first couple rounds, and seen free agents leave, only to be replaced by less talented free agents at more money.

It should be noted that either Matt Patricia and Josh McDaniels, if hired as the next head coach of the Lions, would report to  -- yep -- the very same Bob Quinn -- who was their underling by several slots in New England. Besides the foibles and/or curse that always seems to come with being the head coach of the Lions -- why, pray tell, would either of them put themselves in such a ridiculous situation?

So forget that. The Lions aren't getting either one of those guys. Or anybody else that puts success, reputation, pride, and brains over taking millions of Ford bucks. They can afford to wait for a much better opportunity, which is pretty much anywhere around the league not named Cleveland, and that's a close call. At least in Cleveland, the fans expect their team to lose and have come to accept it. Not so in Detroit. They keep thinking year, after year, after over-hyped year, that the next one just might be THE one. It never is, of course, and won't be any time soon, given the nature of the team. Besides Matthew Stafford, a good field goal kicker, and a couple of fairly decent defensive backs, the entire roster is basically a train wreck.

The Chicago Bears just filled their open head coaching position with basically a nobody, but that's Da Bears. The NY Giants, winners of a couple recent Super Bowls, are still looking. As are the Indy Colts and Arizona Cardinals.

Yet in the end, here's a prediction. All those teams will get their new head coach, and some of them might just work out rather well.

But the Lions, per usual, will twiddle their thumbs, dilly-dally around, and settle for whoever's left. Just like they did Caldwell.

Tis the nature of the beast.

Always has been.......