Maybe someday I'll write something that's semi-intelligent, but in the meantime this make-believe world has it's advantages. If a Detroit Lion can say his team could go 16-0 next season, assuming there is one, and be believed by some, then I should rightfully have no worries about any fantasy I could ever come up with. Last time I was an NFL owner. I could be the President, the Pope, or the Dalai Lama, but this is supposed to be about sports, so I'm going to bypass those second-tier guys and go right to the top this time.
I AM GOD
.
No, I don't look like George Burns, but he was pretty good, and granted, I'll probably never reach Charlie Sheen level, because he's OVER the top, whatever that means, but hey -- I'm working on it -- OK?
There was a guy in the Oval Office a while back that claimed to be the "decider". He was a flea on a T-Rex compared to me in the sports world. I'M the the decider and I'm thinking about a different strategy.
You pitiful little nits sometimes refer to me as a TV network executive.
For years I've been paying billions for the "rights" to televise sporting events. Baseball, basketball, football, hockey, golf tournaments, the Olympics, you name it. It's been costing me a fortune. In order to get my money back I sell commercial time at exorbitant prices to people hawking anything from ramen noodles to luxury cars, and everything in between. It's literally a cast of thousands. Did you see those Super Bowl rates per minute? I haven't felt that way since a couple hours after my senior prom.
They have their tax write-offs, but it still costs them some serious dough, which drives up the price of their products. They want to get THEIR money back, so in the end, you pay more for tuna fish, toilet paper, insurance, or whatever. If you think this is unfair, sue me. I'll shoot some discount air-time rates to the law firms that regularly advertise for a little quid pro quo (I think that's Latin for "payback", but even I don't know everything). Want to take them all on? Good luck with that and you still won't know what I look like.
Where does all this money I put out "up front" go? Mostly to the owners of pro franchises. Of course, the players got wind of this a while back and wanted their slice of the pie. Sara Lee advertises too. Ain't that a hoot?. Somehow the players didn't see the humor in that. They were referring to the green stuff, and not anything that Jolly Giant or Bird's Eye puts out there either.
Next thing you know, players' salaries have gone ballistic. Some of those guys are even making more than I am and, remember, I'm THE MAN. This can't be right. Throw in free agency, and somewhere along the line my money wasn't enough to cover the costs. An example might be a starting pitcher. Let's say he makes $10 million a year and starts 35 games, which means he only works a couple hours every 5 or 6 days. Bet you'd like a job like that. Baseball fans know about "pitch counts", and 120 is a lot. Assuming he didn't get shelled in the first few innings and lasts that long, he's making around $2300 every time he throws the ball. .An intentional walk to an opposing batter? That's 9 grand for 4 lob tosses, 6 feet outside. If that pitcher somehow gets hurt, he still draws his full salary, and another guy comes along to take his place. Cha-ching, Act II. So guess what? The ticket prices went up. If you've taken a family of 4 to very many games, and aren't a pro athlete yourself, you might just know about those ramen noodles.
Back to my Plan B. Maybe I'll say STOP. While it was kind of fun deciding where and when games were going to be played, and getting to call my own time outs, I'm not paying for this anymore. I'll be more than happy to televise the games, but I shouldn't have to keep forking out enough money to cure the entire planet's hunger problem for this "privilege". What would happen then? Yeah, I know, there's a few other TV gods like me that might see it as a business opportunity, but what if they got on board with this, and all the geese quit laying 24 karat eggs?
My network would reduce it's costs in a very large way. Ad rates would go way down, which means air time would become available to smaller businesses or individuals that could never afford it before. With any luck, I'd be able to get rid of those cavemen, the heathens tearing up everything while wanting to know what's in your wallet, that duck, lizard and even the dopey girl that's selling insurance policies out of shoeboxes at some sort of sanitarium. And don't get me started on the drug company commercials. There's always shots of logs or tree trunks when they advertise pills for a certain male dysfunction, and water-water everywhere when it has something to do with curing bladder problems. I always did hate that end of the business, but I had to pay the bills, right? Besides, you'd be paying less for all the other products in the end. Did I mention toilet paper?
The rich folks that have become accustomed to my largesse would no doubt huff and puff and threaten to blow my satellite dishes away, but they need me more than I need them. I've got hundreds of things I can air, but most of them only have one product to offer. Without TV, they're in deep doo-doo. You've heard of those uprisings going on in Africa and the Middle East? Think of the stadiums and arenas being sold out and still no TV for the sports bars with their 20 giant screens, let alone the couch taters, and see what happens, right here in the gold old USA. Forget level orange, red, or any other color the bureaucrats could come up with. This would be DefCon1 to the franchise owners. A true state of emergency. They'd be forced to act quickly to survive the inevitable revolution, which would come quickly. That also means they'd have to come back to me to turn the cameras and microphones back on at a better price to you.. Then they'd be very busy in their own backyards trying to control costs. The outrageous player salaries would have to get more in line with the real world. Eventually, that would drive the ticket prices down, and maybe you mere mortals could afford to go to games and have a piece of meat on the dinner table once in a while too.
I appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers for my infinite wisdom, but you can arise from your knees now and wipe the tears of joy from your faces.
To further show my benevolence and good will upon mankind, I shall perform yet another miracle.
If all this works out, William Shatner can escort that duck out the door, because he's history too. Enough is too much and I've just about had it with that guy. Now would be a good time to start speaking in "tongues", because I never understood him either.
OK, so maybe I'm not God, but be forewarned, lest you take my network's name in vain. The next time you're watching your favorite team at the most critical moment -- ZAP -- I can put Heidi back on. Or the Beeve. Or the Good Ship Lollipop. Rile me up bad enough, and you might be looking at Judge Judy in 3-D hi-def. How would you like to be on the edge of your seat screaming for your sports heros one second, and see that coming at you the next in surround-sound?
It's enough to make even me say amen.
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