Why should the NCAA hoops tournaments be held in India, of all places? Other than taking away any home court/turf advantages, that a pretty weird idea, right? So with apologies to Letterman, or more specifically his writers, here's 10 reasons why.
10) The players would get exposed to a totally different culture, always a good thing. They'd also have to be on their best behavior -- an even better thing. On top of that, the Indians, being an honorable people, might very well not allow any players with criminal records to go there. This would also make coaches straighten up regarding their win-at-all-costs philosophy. If they have to leave those players home come tournament time, that would make them think twice about recruiting, or keeping them on their teams in the first place. Coaches wouldn't be exempt either. If they got caught with their hand in the nookie and/or rules violations jar, maybe the Indians only need deny them visas for one month. Their own version of probation. Forget the NCAA wimps with their 2-bit fines and sanctions that have never solved anything. Make a head coach sit home while his team's half way around the world at tournament time, and it might just be amazing how quickly that program cleans up the next year.
9) The Indians certainly have the wherewithal to build a complex that would accommodate this tournament. Besides, they'd get their money back in a couple years from the TV folks and other sources anyway.
8) Along those lines, there would be no dopey beer commercials. While we have "dry" counties in some southern states, the Indians have a dry country. Bud and Miller wouldn't be allowed to spend millions on ads for a high-profile sports event, which might even lower their prices here. Well, maybe not, but it's a thought.
7) The American contingent might actually have to go without beef for 3 weeks. The Indians highly frown on such consumption, but this would be a healthy thing.
6) Yes, the teams and coaches fly over there and stay for 3 weeks, until it's done. Players will miss classes, you say? Since when are they going to classes once the tournament starts? Pa-leeze. For that matter, you've heard of "one and dones", expecially on the men's side. How serious do you think they ever took academics?
5) Too expensive to fly there as a fan? It can't get any worse than the domestic airlines have become with stateside flights. My guess would be the Indians would provide discount travel fare through their own airlines if they hosted this event. Besides getting, gasp, something to eat, you might even be able to take an extra bag along without having to ignore your electric bill for the next month. I would suggest it be made of leather, because it probably came from India anyway. How they don't eat beef and consider the cow sacred, yet do so much leather business has always puzzled me, but maybe that's a topic best left for others.
4) Cut costs by leaving the cheerleaders at home. I've never been to India, but I'm pretty sure they're not too much into lip gloss, push-up bras, and pom poms.
3) For that matter, leave the mini-bands at home too. Who cares about hearing their school's fight song every 2 minutes? When there's a break in the action, give me some sitar music so I can contemplate much deeper thoughts. Like, if the Green Bay Packers are "community owned", then who hires and fires the executives anyway? Or maybe how Matt Millen keeps getting high-paying gigs. Perhaps even how Michael Jordan might be the only celebrity in the world capable of growing a Hitler looking mustache and not be questioned about it. Stuff like that.
2) This would also serve as a major stimulus to get Americans to go there in another way. All those 1-800 numbers that we've called over the years for customer service, only to be put on hold, highly frustrated, no satisfaction, and want to vent? Go talk to them in person. You're there.
And the #1 reason why the NCAA hoops tournament should be held in India?
Scalpers would likely be water-boarded in the River Ganges. Like I said, they're an honorable people.