The hot dog eating contest

Once again, Nathan's Coney Island, in Brooklyn, NY, held their annual 4th of July hot dog eating contest. Certainly valid arguments could be made regarding gluttony, world hunger, and obesity in America. It's also unlikely many health professionals, much less vegetarians, would approve of such a spectacle. I'm going to skip past all that PC stuff and look at it from a fun point of view.

The rules seem to be simple enough. Whoever eats the most hot dogs and accompanying buns in the 10 minute time limit -- wins. Also, any contestant that suffers a "reversal of fortune" during the contest is disqualified.

To no one's great surprise, Joey Chestnut, the 5-time reigning champion, won yet again. He downed 68 dogs and buns in 10 minutes to equal his record. Just for a second, try to imagine what a pile of 68 hot dogs in their buns would look like. No human should be able to eat that amount of food in a week, let alone 10 minutes. It's not like Chestnut is some Godzilla -sized man. He stands a little over 6 feet, weighs about 210 (before the contest) and is somewhat muscular. Just an average looking guy.

When the contest began, his first 10 hot dogs and buns were gone in about one minute. Though he consumes them 2 at a time, that still averages out to one dog and bun every 6 seconds. Do not try this at home, unless you're very close to the porcelain receptacle. Chances are -- you'll be getting an up close look at it in a few minutes.

Perhaps the best way to describe how Joey Chestnut eats hot dogs and buns is to think of a wood-chipper. You know, that big machine that tree trimmers have that they feed branches and foliage into as fast as they can, and the little bitty chips come shooting out the other end. It's like that. I don't want to know what comes shooting out of Joey Chestnut's other end a few hours after the contest, but I dare say it's going to be somewhat painful and involve several flushes.

I'm not sure if this is covered somewhere in the fine print of Title IX, but ladies were allowed to compete as well. They have their own contest within the overall event. The winner? One Sonya Thomas, a 45 year old lady that stands 5' 5", and weighs about 100 pounds. She's downright skinny. But she pounded down 45 dogs and buns in 10 minutes. Incredible.

People like Chestnut and Thomas aren't exactly household names, and other than their home towns, San Jose, and Alexandria, VA, respectively, it's unlikely most folks around the country would recognize them if they "bumped into them on the street".

They could have some fun if they wanted to, and so could we if the TV cameras were rolling. How about if they pretended to be a couple, and walked into a coney joint somewhere else in America that featured an all-you-can-eat for $10 special?

After plopping down their 20 bucks, they would appear to be harmless enough to the waitress or proprietor. Just an average guy with a skinny wife.

Perhaps Joey might say to the server, "We're very hungry, but prefer our hot dogs plain. No chili, no mustard, no onions, just the dogs and buns. And two tall glasses of water. Could we have 6 to start with please?" That would seem like a reasonable order.

But when the dogs came, the wood-chippers fired up, all 6 were gone before the server could even turn around, and they requested 10 more -- things might get interesting. Remember, Joey ate 68 and Sonya ate 45, in 10 minutes. 113 dogs and buns. At the coney joint, they could easily pound down 10 more, and 10 more, and 10 more. When they got up to a combined 70 or 80, and still wanted more, having only paid 20 bucks in the first place -- it would be hilarious to see the reactions on the faces of other patrons, the server, and the cook. The owner would have been contacted informing them of a state of emergency in their restaurant. Imagine what he/she would hear from their panicked staff. No, it's not a bomb threat, and not a robbery. Everybody's just fine. It's not even the health department here again inspecting us. But you won't believe how much the couple at table 4 are eating. You need to get here and see for yourself, ASAP.

Yep, that could be a fun scenario. I hope they do it someday and the cameras are rolling.

In the meantime, here's a tip. If you ever meet Joey or Sonya, and ask them to lunch so you can get further acquainted?

Go Dutch. Trust me.