If I made the rules.....

I'm an NFL head football coach and call in my offensive and defensive coordinators (Sam and Dave) for a meeting.

Hey Sam. These silly penalties are going to stop or you'll be looking for another job. There is no excuse -- NONE -- for false starts by our offensive linemen. If these clowns are too stupid to remember the snap count for the 10-15 seconds it takes to break the huddle until the actual play, they're too dumb to play on my team. Further, when one of those boneheads commits such an infraction, he will be immediately yanked out of the game and forced to wear a dunce cap on the sidelines. Got it?

(Sam). Yeah, but....

No butts. Buttheads seem to be the whole problem. Tell your guys when you leave this room that for every yard in dumb penalties they cost us -- they're going to be running that many 100 yard gassers in the next practice. Five yards is five 100 yard sprints -- and guess what? You'll be running right along with them. This nonsense is going to stop -- dammit. Now go do what you gotta do.

I've discovered something amazing about a few of your boys, Dave.

(Dave). What's that?

I had no idea all our defensive backs were concert pianists or brain surgeons in the off season.

(Dave). Huh?

How else to explain how they protect their precious hands? When trying to make a tackle, these guys lead with their helmets and shoulder pads, and hope they can bump the ball carrier down. They never actually extend their arms and wrap a guy up. Any high school coach would find that unacceptable, and I'm not about to tolerate it at the professional level.

(Dave). But they've become accustomed to that. Every other DB around the league does the same thing.

Well, maybe they can find a job with another team, and you too Dave, if you can't get them to use proper tackling techniques. This is the NFL, not brain surgery or a concerto in A minor on a Steinway. Next time I see a guy wimp out with his arms and hands, he gets yanked on the spot too. I've ordered a lot of dunce caps. BTW, two questions. What's your hat size and when's the last time you ran a bunch of gassers back to back? On your way out, send in Leroy, the special teams coach. I want to have a word with him.

(Leroy). What's up boss?

You need to get something straight with our punt returners. These clowns need to develop a sense of awareness -- quickly.

(Leroy). Not sure I follow.

Let me put it to you this way. When the other team has advanced beyond their own 40 yard line but are still out of field goal range on 4th down, our punt returner will normally set up around our own 10 yard line, right?

(Leroy). Sounds about right.

So why can't they seem to grasp the obvious? Here's what I want you to tell them. If they're starting off standing on the 10 yard line and the punt drives them back even one inch -- let it go without trying to catch it. Chances are it will bounce into the end zone and we'll get it on the 20. If not, that was my call and I'll live with it. If they have to come forward to field a shorter kick, then make the best of it. If they fumble it, I have a few hats on order. You can ask Sam and Dave about those. But here's the most important thing. The next time I see one of your punt return "specialists" calling for a fair catch inside our own 10 yard line, guess who's going to be fielding the next punt?

(Leroy). Beats me.

That would be you, Leroy. Enjoy the thundering herd bearing down on you while the ball seems to hang in the air forever. And BTW, if you call for a fair catch, regardless of what yard line you're standing on -- consider yourself immediately fired. You will catch it and take whatever comes next. Good luck. Now go talk to your boys.


I'm the Supreme authority of the NBA. No, not that floppy-eared, bald, peanut head Adam Silver that weaseled his way into being the Commissioner. I am Odin, Thor, Zeus, Apollo, and Anderson Cooper all rolled into one. By god, I'm in CHARGE of this round ball nonsense.

And by thunder, I'm changing some rules. You know all those intentional fouls a team about to lose keeps hacking away at to put a poor free-throw shooting opponent on the foul line in the hopes of pulling out a miracle? It's an insult not only to fans, but the very integrity of the game itself. From now on, things are going to be different.

If a player intentionally fouls an opponent, the fouled team not only gets 2 free throws, but gets to pick anyone on their roster to shoot them. Further, make or miss, the fouled team retains possession of the ball. That would put an end to this nonsense.

NBA teams get what -- 10 time-outs per half? That's always been ludicrous. I'm cutting it down to three apiece like the NFL. It's still too many, but I have to start somewhere. Remember NHL teams get only one timeout for the entire game. And soccer teams don't get any. Their game clock never stops (though the mystery of "extra time" known only by the referee on the field seems to remain top secret classified information -- go figure).

No sense addressing all the traveling and palming the ball violations that occur constantly in every NBA game. It's become so ingrained that most have come to accept it. But it's still not right. And why is it that superstars seem to have a different set of rules to play by than role players? That's definitely not right. Do they teach the officials this in ref school?

One last hat. I am lord and master of boxing. Yes, I understand the sport has pretty well gone the way of Enron, Bear-Stearns, Lehman Bros., Hudsons, Montgomery Wards, Borders, and even objective journalism in recent years, but these things happen in the USA. Dog eat dog, indeed. Yet boxing always had, and still does, a flaw that turns off many people.

This is the only sport where nobody knows what the score is until the match is over. A knockout presents an obvious winner, but if it goes the distance, three supposedly neutral judges will decide after their "scorecards" are tallied. What has long been known is that many of these experts are not only hand picked by fighters and their camps with enough influence to do so, but they are also free to go back and change their score on any given round before submitting their final tally. This practice has been, is, and remains an open invitation for corruption. How many times have we seen a fight where one guy got beat up throughout, but eventually had his hand raised as the victor?

As lord and master, I am immediately instigating a new rule. The scores from each judge, round by round, will be immediately displayed on a scoreboard so everybody in attendance and at home watching on TV knows -- well -- what the score is. What could possibly be wrong with that? And the same will apply to the latest rage -- cage fighting. Be it 3 rounds or 5, put the damn scores up there after each round. The fans and the fighters themselves have a right to know who's officially ahead and behind throughout such a contest. This is not a difficult concept. In the name of fairness and transparency, I hereby decree it shall be done.

Of course, this edict would be met with a lot of resistance by the powers that be in such activities.
Don King, Bob Arum, and Dana White would likely not approve their fiefdoms being challenged.

Maybe they should talk to Sam, Dave, and Leroy. And who wouldn't love to see King, Arum, and White running gassers alongside them as well? They've pumped us full of enough gas over the years for their own benefit. Seems fair enough.

Yessirree. If I made the rules, a few things would change right away.