The Miss Universe debacle

Is a beauty pageant considered a sport? I would submit that it is. After all, like a female golf or tennis tournament, it's a whole bunch of "ladies" (and I use that term loosely) competing against each and only one will be crowned a champion at the end.

Though all the above will behave in a perfectly dignified manner when the cameras are rolling -- it wouldn't come as much of a surprise if there was a considerable amount of cat-fighting that goes on behind the scenes. Arched backs, hiss, claw, and maybe perhaps mark their territory, with perfume of course. Ahem.

But the very name "Miss Universe Pageant" has always been the epitome of haughtiness. We earthlings have no clue what else is out their in the cosmos. There's untold billions of stars with planets orbiting them, just like our own solar system. It's highly likely there's other intelligent life out there somewhere. Lots of it. So who are we to proclaim our hot bimbo of the year the most beautiful creature in the universe? "Miss Earth" would be a stretch (remember I said intelligent life), but "Miss Universe" is ridiculous. Always has been.

It's kind of like saying our "best and brightest" people represent us at the highest levels of government. Have you paid attention lately to what they do? And how can they call themselves "public servants" when they make all the rules common folks have to life by while the very same "public" foots the bill for their ridiculous salaries, unlimited expense accounts, and other perks galore? There's the service industry and then there's the SERVICE industry. But enough about hypocrisy. We have come to know and experience it all too well.

Nevertheless, this particular Miss Universe Pageant had a strange twist. Somehow the host, one Steve Harvey, crowned the wrong winner. You remember Steve. He's been the latest host of the Family Feud in recent years. You know, the show where they get two panels of five related people that basically have the collective intelligence of your average goldfish and ask them a few even stupider questions.

The good Mr. Harvey does his best Groucho/Don Rickles/Robin Williams -- name a wise cracker -- imitation while making the contestants look like idiots. Hey, they already WERE idiots. We know this, just like the people that volunteer to go on TV judge shows to be humiliated on national TV for a few hundred bucks, free cattle car air fare, and a couple nights in a cheap motel. And don't get me started on the Jerry Springer show. Heathens.

So it shouldn't have come as a great surprise that Steve Harvey botched the culmination of a beauty pageant which was always based on a botched premise in the first place.

This is what can happen when a clown is put in charge of a dog and pony show. Like his regular Family Feud gig, something incredibly stupid was bound to happen eventually. But this time it was the host himself that played the fool. How embarrassing.

The similarities and differences between that annual fancy dog show in New York and the Miss Universe Pageant? Well, let's see. All the contestants are groomed for hours before they appear on stage, so that's a push. Both are eager to please and wag their tails. Let's call that a draw as well.

All contestants are on their best behavior when the competition starts. Some are on leashes, some not, though perhaps they should be.

Both seem to obey simple commands rather well during their shows. Walk, sit, shake, etc. They have all been well trained. And both have their teeth seriously checked out. They must be perfect and gleaming white.

Hair is a big thing. Every last one has to be in its proper place.

The contestants of one show are completely naked. Wouldn't it be far most interesting if the contestants of the other showed off their wares -- or lack thereof -- in the same way? That would eliminate a whole bunch of them from contention very quickly. Get rid of all the props to make them look like they have something they don't -- and let's see what's really going on. What could be fairer than that?

Not sure, but I'm guessing the 4-legged contestants don't wear nearly as much make-up, or reek of designer perfume like their 2-legged counterparts.

One of them will be happy just to go home and be with his/her loving master. They don't know, or care about all the accolades involved. Give them a yard to run around in, a back scratch and/or belly rub, kind words, and a doggie treat here and there -- and they're happy little suckers.

The other will expect to be treated like royalty for the next year. She'll want fancy cars. Furs, boats, major cha-ching jewelry, and exotic places to travel. All on somebody else's dime, of course, because she has no intention of actually -- gasp!! -- working and likely lacks any job skills to earn it for herself, even if so inclined. And good luck with the outrageous wardrobe she'll consider her due.

What did she do to deserve all this? She was born with the right genes. As a kid she was considered cute. A few years after puberty, start adding in a nip here, a tuck there, some serious dental work, other cosmetic wonders, and next thing ya know, she's a beauty queen.

And if things play out just right, she might even become Miss Universe someday -- at least for a minute.

That is, until an inept emcee clown like Steve Harvey realizes he botched the final presentation and snatches the tiara back away from her. So close to fame and fortune only to see it taken away. Oh, the shame of it all. How crushing. Boo hoo hoo. She might have to go get a real job after all. Perish the thought.

Kind of like the Super Bowl, NBA/NHL finals, or World Series, nobody cares about who the runner up was. Only the eventual champion matters, and then only for a year until the following seasons get underway. Like beauty pageants, a tough business indeed. What have you done for me lately?

But at least those people have never been clueless enough to crown the wrong winner. Leave it to Steve Harvey. SH would be better served going back to the Family Feud where he can be the smartest person in a room chock full of fools.

As the legendary outlaw Josey Wales once said -- a man needs to know his limitations.