Friday, June 3, 2016

More stupid rants

Well kiss my grits. Flo certainly hasn't missed any meals lately. That girl's hips/butt are expanding like her bank account after a bazillion moronic insurance commercials. It would be interesting to see pictures of her mother. You know what they say about how young ladies will eventually turn out.

People were shocked -- SHOCKED!! -- to learn the Lyft driver they were sitting next to was actually Shaquille O'Neal. Please. Shaq trying to go incognito in a car driving people around would be like Godzilla attempting to maintain a low profile while waiting tables in a pant suit. I mean, c'mon. Some things should be obvious. How dumb are the people that don't notice something just might be a little bit out of place?

Another Major League Player just got zapped with a 162 game suspension for his second violation of the dreaded performance enhancing drug policy. Well gee. When a guy's been a lightweight hitter all his life -- then suddenly starts banging out home runs at age 35 -- who would ever guess he might be juiced? Duh.

After years of carefully studying the matter, in their infinite wisdom the Food and Drug Administration has finally decreed sugar should be called sugar. No doubt, this comes as a huge relief to the millions of consumers that have long confused it with salt -- or ketchup -- or tuna fish -- or laundry detergent. One can't be too careful about keeping these things sorted out. Thank God the bureaucrats spend countless millions of our tax dollars on such worthy ventures to benefit mankind.

What's that? A Kardashian has filmed another butt video? Must have used a wide-angle lens. Maybe the K girl should team up with Flo for a future tag-team macro-project. Hey, scientists say the universe is expanding. Good thing. If those two get together, we're going to need the extra room.

The Hill is bashing the Donald and vice versa? This is not news, it's what politicians have always done. I still say put them in the Octagon to sort this out once and for all. Bill it as the Clown and the Crook. Don't know about you, but yours truly would gladly pony up $79.95 to watch such a spectacle on pay-per-view. One way or the other, somebody's gotta win -- right? So why not save us all the lies, smears, robo-calls, yard signs, bumper stickers, and other propaganda for the next few months and get it done with early?

The geniuses at Sports Illustrated have struck again. In a recent issue one feature article described the greatness of the Oklahoma City Thunder. Another touted the Tampa Bay Lightning. Shortly thereafter, both teams were zapped out of their respective playoffs. For whatever reason, another SI scribe penned two lengthy articles about an upcoming soccer tournament. No matter how hard they try to stoke American interest in futbol, it remains doomed to failure. This is because America has so many other sports going on that attract far larger fan interest. Baseball, football, basketball, hockey, auto racing -- even golf and tennis tournaments -- there's always something going on that couch taters would rather watch over soccer. True, soccer is far and away the most popular sport in many other countries, and good for them. But few in America have warmed to the idea to date. Though he might be the best soccer player on the planet, many Yanks likely think of a toy train set that derailed when they hear the name Lionel Messi.

It likely won't be long before SI's football "guru", one Peter King, comes out with his latest predictions on how the NFL season will pan out and who will win the Super Bowl. Thing is, the dude has long been clueless. He's always wrong. As has been written in this space before, PK couldn't pick his nose with a power auger. Yet year after year, scribes and talking heads keep thinking he just came down from the mountain with the latest tablets to be revered by the masses. It's incredible. And also quite dumb that they keep buying into such nonsense as gospel.

On a totally unrelated note, here's a shout out to my young lady friend Ashley. I know you've been going through some tough times lately. But I'll always have your back and help out however and whenever I can. That what friends do.....

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