Saturday, January 22, 2011

Ron Artest is coming back to kick butt and it's going to hurt

The Beach Boys had a hit song a long time ago called Help Me Rhonda. I'll get back to that.
Remember Ron Artest? The dude that played the lead role in Malice At The Palace a few years ago during a game against the Pistons? He stormed the stands in a rage after getting hit by a few kernels of popcorn and maybe a few drops of soda, while laying on his back, and tried to wreak major bodily harm on a terrified kid. Yeah. That guy.
He's had a new part for a while playing for the LA Lakers. You know, the land of glitz, Kobe, courtside movie and rap stars, the Zen Master, and all that.
Turns out, Artest might have another career move in mind. He's got 3 more years left on his Laker contract, at which time he'll be 33, and when that expires, thinks he might give the NFL a try as a tight end.
I hope he does, for several reasons.
First, he'll quickly find out that while the NBA might be somewhat of a contact sport, comparing that to the NFL is like comparing a fender-bender to a train wreck. Those personal fouls he whines about in the NBA will take on a whole new dimension in the NFL. My guess would be the only thing he knows about chop blocks is associated with his in-house chef carving up an expensive piece of beef.
Speaking of prime meat, trying to box out a tall, skinny 180 pound guy from getting a rebound is light years removed from picking up a musclebound, blitzing 250 pound linebacker, much less finding himself in the position of trying to block a rushing defensive end. Either one goes way beyond a few kernels of popcorn hitting him, and that liquid won't be soda. It might be spit, sweat, blood, or maybe something embarrassing in his own britches, but I think we can safely rule out Coke, Pepsi, or Gatorade.
Finally, there's a better reason I'd like to see him try this. Tight ends have to catch passes too. Sure, they can run the easy 5-yard and out routes, but eventually he'd have to go over the middle into a zone defense, where linebackers and hard-hitting safeties would, in effect, take him back to the beginning.
Ron Ron would get steam-rolled like he did that kid at the Palace and, ironically, he'd find himself in the same position he was in when it all began. Flat on his back -- but this time it would hurt. A lot.
While looking out the earhole of his helmet and trying to readjust the body parts that were still functioning, being the smart guy he is, I have little doubt he would do the same thing he did once before.
Namely. he'd run into the stands again, but not for the same reason.
He'd be looking for that kid, or anybody else for that matter, to hide behind.
And that song? It would still plead for help, but this time it would be SUNG by Ron-duh.

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