Just when you think you've seen every possible ridiculous competition that could be created in the wide world of sports -- something even stupider will come along.
Yours truly has long thought the X-Games are a farce, but evidently I'm in the minority. They have lots of fans and commercial sponsors -- see cha-ching -- going for them. However, while on that subject, perhaps there's a way to make them infinitely more entertaining.
Instead of just X-Games, make them X-rated Games. Every event has to be performed completely nude by the competitors. Imagine all those moguls, hills, snowboards and bikes going up and down, spinning in mid-air with bodily appendages flapping every which way, both male and female. Now THAT would be interesting. The term "halfpipe" could be relevant in another way. That's how much each competitor would be allowed to smoke before competing to put them in the proper mood to participate in such spectacles. Let the Games begin indeed!!!!
Hmm. On second thought, maybe that's not such a good idea. Nevermind. Where was I? Right, the Beer Mile.
It appears the rules are pretty simple. One has to chug a 12 ounce beer and then run a lap of a quarter mile. Competitors can choose whichever brand of suds they prefer, as long as it's at least 5% alcohol. None of that sissy low-lead stuff.
Then do it again. Chug and run. And again, and a fourth time. Four beers, four quarter miles run for a total of 48 ounces and a full mile.
This particular event appears to be catching on in Texas. Imagine that. So far, the men's record holder has a total time of 5 minutes. That's very impressive when one stops to think about it. Running a four-minute mile is no small feat, and chugging four beers in a total of one minute is nothing to gag at, sort of.
Perhaps appropriately enough, the women's record holder already has six kids. Maybe she should consider doing a little more running and a little less drinking in the future. Ahem.
That's all fine and dandy and to each their own when it comes to fringe athletic competitions. But yours truly still doesn't think running a mile and drinking four beers along the way is exactly the most grueling event there ever was.
Know what I want to see?
The Beer Marathon. Twenty six plus miles and twenty six beers. Now THAT would wean out the lightweights. True, it could take all day and there might well be serious casualties along the way. But hey, have a few ambulances on hand to tend to the wannabe fallouts. No big deal. And talk about stamina..... You've heard of the Iron Man event. How about the Iron Stomach? And I'd be willing to bet those pesky Kenyans and Ethiopians that have been winning all the other marathons in recent years wouldn't last more than ten miles with a gallon of beer sloshing around in their gut.
Want to make it REALLY hard? After they've run 26 miles and chugged 26 beers, they still have 385 yards to go to complete a true marathon. At that point, with the finish line in sight, another final obstacle would await them. Yep, they have to smoke a halfpipe of the good stuff and stumble on to the tape.
Of course, the champion(s) of such a contest should be given their due and fittingly rewarded for such a valiant -- urp -- effort indeed. Besides a pile of money, and a lifetime supply of their favorite brew would be a nice touch, place the laurels atop their heads like all other marathon winners have been honored with.
With any luck, they might find their way home -- eventually. Maybe. With a whole lot of help.
Like "extreme" sports? I don't want to hear about flipping around on snowboards, bikes, and motorcycles. Lots of crazy kids can do that.
But even if one doesn't win it, surviving and successfully completing a Beer Marathon would be a spectacular feat any athlete could proudly boast of to his/her kids/grandkids in future years.
If only they could remember their names......
No comments:
Post a Comment