The panic button

It's coming, you know. Maybe not today, tomorrow, next week, or even next month. But make no mistake. Though it's not as predictable as the sun rising in the east, or Tiger Woods wearing red and black on Sunday -- it's going to happen. And there's nothing you can do about it.

What I'm referring to, of course, is when some team, in some sport, in some city isn't performing as well as they were expected to. The scribes and talking heads will be quick to offer up a myriad of reasons as to why such a thing could be happening. Some will make sense. Some won't.

If the situation becomes particularly acute, as in a losing streak, or horrors, that team might actually miss the playoffs, or worse yet, god forbid, have their "backs against the wall" in "do or die time", sometimes more drastic measures are called for.

This is when the above pundits will ask the immortal question --- "Is it time to hit the panic button?"

Oh yeah, it's coming around eventually, because it always does, but personally, I never did understand the logic in that. Just to be sure, I looked up the official definition of the word "panic". According to my Webster's dictionary, "panic" is defined as -- sudden overwhelming terror, often affecting many people at once.

If our favorite team is losing -- does it make sense to panic? The scribes that offer up the question never panic. They'll move on to the next story. Another day, another column. No big deal. But evidently they think we, the fans, are supposed to panic.

I fail to see how jumping out of tall buildings, or setting our hair on fire and running naked through the streets screaming like we just got out of Judge Judy's courtroom or survived the Jerry Springer show would be helpful to that same favorite team.

Thankfully, there's no such thing as a real "panic button". If there was, the sports scribes would have had this country in a state of total anarchy a long time ago.

Hey, it's only games. Mostly played by athletes that will make more money in one year than the average fan will make in his/her lifetime. And win or lose -- they'll do it again next year, and the year after that, etc. You've never seen owners, front office personnel, coaches, and players panicking. Why should fans?

Besides, if there ever was such a thing as a real panic button, I suspect it was worn out decades ago. Even buttons can only be pressed so many times before they don't work anymore.

Push the doorbell of the Detroit Lions all you want, but those chimes haven't rung since Eisenhower was President. Many have even beaten on their door like Fred Flintstone asking Wilma to let him back in after he locked himself out, but the only people that seem to answer somehow have been eerily reminiscent of the Addams family. They're creepy and they're oozing, mysterious and losing. Close enough.

At any rate, the next time you read or hear something about "pushing the panic button" coming from some overkoolaided scribe that couldn't care less him/herself --  don't worry about it.

Do what I do. Boot those pesky Playmates (or Chippendales -- whichever applies) out of the house, pop a beer, grab the remote, hug your 4-legged kids, and worry about the next dumb blog post later.

Works for me.