At long last, the 2013 Fall Classic, sometimes referred to as the World Series, is upon us. Hallelujah, and bring it on. Game 1 was advertised to start at 8:00 PM eastern time earlier tonight. So after my usual mandatory Jeopardy! ritual, I nuked some left-over beef stew and settled in. Click. And then it started. No, not the game, a bunch of other worthless crap.
What gives with all those guys in uniforms standing around in the outfield holding a bunch of different flags, while the average viewer has no idea what they even represent? Honor guards indeed. If they want to honor the game of baseball, which -- hello -- is supposed to be what is on display at its highest level, then they wouldn't delay it from happening with their presence.
All sorts of military folks get in on the action, whether lock-stepping around the outfield with their flags, or getting free prime seats in the stands. Marines are easy to identify. They're the guys in the snappy dark uniforms with the brass buttons and white hats. The Air Force folks are the ones dressed up in mailman uniforms with stripes on their sleeves. Didn't notice any Navy guys clad in white. Maybe they're all repainting an aircraft carrier somewhere. Somebody's gotta do it. No sign of the Army either, but that's understandable. If there's any of them left after the last decade or so of fighting unwinnable political wars, they're probably too tired to go to a game.
And why is it that all these military folks are referred to as heroes? Most are not. All signed up voluntarily to do a job. Just because they do it doesn't make them heroes. Besides, if they do something special, they get medals. If a plumber or electrician working at your house fixed something for free besides what you had contracted them to do, or a teacher pays out-of-pocket for classroom supplies -- he/she doesn't get any medals. And they certainly aren't considered heroes. This military hero stuff is out of control.
Of course, all the players and coaches from both teams have to be individually introduced and take their places along the 1st and 3rd base lines. That's fine, they've earned it. But nonetheless, it's time consuming.
Every professional sporting event in America will feature someone singing the National Anthem. But when the games get really big, like the World Series, the powers-that-be always seem to find a way to bring in some nitwit celebrity flavor of the day to sing it -- who will then promptly proceed to butcher America's song, while trying to show off their own talents. Sometimes they're pretty good. But other times, yours truly would imagine Francis Scott Key is rolling in his grave. And what's so wrong with just singing it like it was originally written by Mr. Key?
No big pre-game hoopla would be complete unless a few fighter planes made a fly-by overhead at just the right moment. That begs a few questions. First, other than a waste of very expensive jet fuel just to show off -- what's the point? People look up and cheer for a couple seconds, and 10 seconds later completely forget about it. It's just one more cha-ching the Pentagon spends our tax payer money on. Have you forgotten about all those $800 "manual fastening device impellers" (hammers) a while back you got charged for? Or perhaps the $1200 variety of "sanitary insulating buffers" (toilet seats)? The fly-overs are a waste of time and money. And what would happen if, God forbid, something went horribly wrong with one of those low-flying planes in tight formation, and it crashed and exploded within the stadium itself? Many thousands would likely perish. Granted, the chances are a million to one against it, but somebody wins the mega-millions lottery once in a while too. Regardless, it's just one more thing to hold up the game getting started.
And then finally -- FINALLY -- the game should begin. But NO. We're treated to blather from the talking heads that will call the game -- if it ever gets started. See Joe Buck, who might be cooking fries at Mickey D's if his legendary announcing daddy Jack hadn't been what he was. Like Jeremy Schapp or even Donald Trump -- having a father that's already paved the way can come in very handy sometimes.
See his cohort Tim McCarver, the former St. Louis Cardinal catcher turned talking head, offer up a speech about how fortunate the Red Sox and current Cardinal players are to be in the World Series. So many great players have come and gone and never had this opportunity, said McCarver. They should relish every second of it, because one never knows if they'll ever get the opportunity again.
Thank you, Tim. Truer words couldn't be spoken. It kind of gets us right -- urp -- there.
Just one thing. In the amount of time this pre-game dog and pony show has taken, including your own stats and bio-data from hell that nobody cares about -- a lot of people that were tuned in worldwide have died. In some cases, maybe from total exasperation. I'm pretty sure they would have liked to have seen a little of the game before they drew their final breath. Every second counts indeed.
So if the mysterious flag-wavers, military, some singer looking for publicity, the Elks, the Moose, the Rotary Club, the Campfire Girls, a couple Eagle Scouts, and any number of other yahoos want to get in on the action -- then fine. Have at it. But show up early and get it all done before 8:00.
Because that's when the game's supposed to start -- dammit.
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