Luis Suarez. A fitting penalty

Turns out, Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez has a nasty habit. Biting people.

Mike Tyson got in big trouble once for biting off a chunk of Evander Holyfield's ear in a heavyweight title match. Iron Mike was disqualified. But he never did it again, to my knowledge.

Some people and things are expected to bite hard and draw blood. Like Dracula, Hannibal Lector, and my ex's divorce attorney. It goes with the territory. But even little kids, at least most of them, know that biting is a definite no-no. These days, being caught red-incisored committing such a nefarious act can result in severe penalties. Like a stern time-out, getting to strike two or, in severe cases, being deprived of their play stations and/or smart phones for a couple hours. Horrors!! The cruelty that some parents inflict on their children these days in the name of discipline. Personally, if I had bitten another kid when I was a child, and my dad found out about it -- merely sitting down would have been a problem for a while. But we all learned in different ways. Don't do that, or there will be consequences, sometimes painful ones.

Evidently, Luis Suarez has not. This isn't his first go-round with sinking his choppers into an opponent's flesh. Indeed, he was suspended for 7 games in 2010 after biting an opposing player in the Netherlands, and another 10 games after a repeat 2013 chomp in England. All of these incidents were captured on TV, so there is no doubt they happened. Also, he was suspended yet again for using racial slurs against another adversary along the way. While a terrifically gifted futboller, it would appear Suarez has a serious problem going on. The man turns into a savage animal when the pressure is on. Kind of like an American politician facing stiff competition to get re-elected. No holds barred.

The governing body of World Cup Soccer (FIFA), is aware of Suarez's latest munch on an Italian player, and will be quickly be meeting to decide what punishment, if any, will be handed down. There is no denying the latest incident actually happened. Millions of people world-wide saw it on TV in HD, though incredibly, the on-field referees called no foul at the time. This punishment could range anywhere from a 2 game suspension, to a 2 year ban from soccer for Suarez.

To boot, Suarez was totally unapologetic and even maintained his bite was somehow the fault of the Italian player. Given that, and his priors, one would think FIFA would slap him with the max punishment of a 2 year ban. Outta here. Go get the help he obviously needs and see ya in 2016.

But the soccer folks are notoriously wimpy when it comes to such matters. Even with serial offenders like Suarez. Even if he's suspended, chances are he still wouldn't have learned his lesson.

How to fix this? Simple. The tournament's in Brazil, right?

Promptly transport Suarez to a section of the Amazon river that is heavily infested with piranhas. Use a crane to dangle him by his ankles over these waters with his face a few inches away. Throw in some bloody meat and let him watch the action up close. Then dip him up to his shoulders beneath the surface. Count a thousand one, a thousand two, and yank him out. After he recovered, Suarez would fully understand what it feels like to be bitten. Inform him if he does it again, it will be a thousand five next time. I flat out guarantee you his biting would stop. Seems over the top, you say? Maybe. But it's soccer, right? Give the piranhas a yellow card to warn them of any future bad behavior and consider the matter properly adjudicated. Justice was served.

Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.