The wacky World Cup

This whole World Cup thing is getting very confusing. In the opening rounds of "group play", there are actually 8 groups, A through H, with 4 teams apiece. They have all played at least 2 games within their groups. After various "qualifiers", 32 teams from nations around the globe started this tournament in Brazil, and the next step is to make it into the "knockout' round, which is basically the same as the Sweet Sixteen in NCAA basketball.

Except the format of "group play" and who might qualify to move on is insane. Here's an example --- The US can move into the knockout round with a win or tie against Germany on Thursday. But even if they lose, they're not out yet. Portugal and Ghana will be playing a game at the same time. If that game ends in a tie, the US moves on. If there's a winner in that game, the Americans could advance depending on several "tie -breakers". Like total points, goal difference, total goals, head-to-head points, head-to-head goal difference, and head-to-head goals. If there's still a tie, it will come down to a coin flip.

That would seem to beg a few questions.....

First, who are the lunatics that came up with this "bracketology" in the first place? Have the Marx Brothers come back from the dead to be in charge of the World Cup? Are Doctor Howard, Doctor Fine, and Doctor Howard on call again for consultations? Four years to plan this event, and it comes down to a system nobody can understand, with more loopholes than your average billionaire can find in the tax code? Everybody's in charge, and nobody's in charge. This sounds like the work of Congress and the White House. Are they running the World Cup these days? God help us.

On that note, an idle thought. Our honorable Secretary of State, one John Kerry, recently said "talk is cheap". THIS, from Kerry, who's main function is political double-talk, non-speak around the world? And with a straight face? Excuse me for a second. (HAHAHAHAHA. Snort, gasp, wheeze, knee slap. Jackie Mason had nothing on this guy. That's hilarious). Sorry, I'm better now.

Back to the World Cup. Here's another example of the silliness --- some teams that have already qualified to advance have to play a third game against a team that has already been eliminated. So what, pray tell, is the point in playing such a game?

These guys need to get their act together and make it like the NCAA hoops tournament. Forget all the confounding scenarios that could possibly happen with tie-breakers and the like. If you win, you move on. If you lose, you go home. Period. And get rid of the ties. If it takes minutes, hours, days, whatever, they play on until somebody wins, like an NBA/NFL/NHL or Major League baseball playoff game. Same with golf and tennis. You play until there's a winner, however long it takes. The futbollers might eventually drop like flies in the heat, you say? Who cares? It's only soccer players. The last guy left standing can finally, mercifully (for the fans) kick the ball in the net. Game over. What's the problem?

Just don't put a politician in charge, okay? The system's screwed up enough already to the point where nobody seems to know what the hell is going on until the teams get into the Sweet Sixteen. One game knockouts we understand.

Alas, chances are slim that Larry, Moe, and Curly would even WANT to come back and be in charge of the World Cup. Same with Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo, Gummo, etc. Even their comical descendants like Anderson Coopo, Donald Trumpo, Lou Dobbo, Howard Sterno, Rush Limbo, any Kardashio -- you get the idea -- would likely pass as well. They're all too busy talking smack and patting themselves on the back to have any time for soccer.

But if someone could be resurrected, there's a perfect candidate to head up the US soccer team. Get rid of that German guy, Klinsman. Replace him with Rodney Dangerfield. It's no secret American soccer doesn't get any respect -- right? So put a guy in charge that knew all about that for his whole life.

If you can't win, according to Klinsman, might as well have a few laughs. Bring on Rodney......