The wacky US Open

Looking up and down the leader board, one could note a Wie, Yang, Choi, Ryu, Yokomine, Park, Feng, and a Lee or three.

Um, this was the US, as in United States, Open, right? Strangely enough, a Lewis came in second. Wait a second. Lewis? How'd she get in there?

Eleven year old Lucy Li was all the rage for the first two days. She carded a pair of 78s and didn't make the cut. Yours truly isn't laughing. I've never broke 80 in my whole life, even on public courses that are a whole lot easier than Pinehurst #2. Still, 11 seems way too young for anyone to be competing at the highest levels of any sport.

Idle thought: When Lucy was giggling and eating ice cream at a press conference, everything appeared normal. But she has braces on her teeth. At age 11, have all her baby teeth even fallen out yet? She can't be that far removed from the tooth fairy -- can she?

Congrats to Michelle Wie on winning the ladies US Open for her first major title. Remember, Michelle started playing with the big girls not long after her Santa Claus and Easter Bunny days as well. And what gave with all those stickers up and down her left leg? Was she covering up a few tats? Or WERE they tats? If the latter, that was some mighty sorry looking ink work. Or were they some sort of therapeutic pads? Maybe just a fashion statement? Beats me, but I wonder how they were held on. Glue? Velcro?

Worse, some other golfer, I forget which, was wearing what appeared to be either solid black panty hose or some sort of leotard. This, while it was over 90 degrees on the course. How bad were her legs underneath that she had to cover them up? Yikes.

This was the same course the men played their US Open on just a couple weeks ago. Sort of. Still a par 70, but some 1300 yards shorter for the ladies. That's a whole bunch. Granted, the girls can't hit it as far as the boys, and compensations are made. Even public courses have always had the ladies' tees moved up. Turned out, Wie was the only player to shoot under par for the tournament, and barely at that.

But there should be a limit to this. A report said Wie ripped a drive on the 10th hole, then hit a cut 8 iron into 10 feet to set up an eagle putt which she made. Sounds great, but something is very wrong this picture. Be it men or women, if a golfer can hit driver and short 8 iron into a green, it should not, repeat NOT, be a par 5. This is the very definition of a par 4, regardless of the yardage.

It was interesting that long-time fixture on the pro golf circuit Laura Davies was recently dubbed a Grand Dame. Pretty sure only Queen Lizzy the Deuce can do that. Ms. Davies said it was an honor to have reached the same plateau as long time men's golfer Nick Faldo. Dang, I never knew Nick was once dubbed a Grand Dame. This whole sexual identity thing is getting out of control, I tell ya.

But Grand Dame is pretty good for Davies, who's only 50, but doesn't look a day over.... hmm, nevermind. Maybe one day, her and Sir Mick Jagger can hook up and make beautiful music and, hmm, nevermind again. That could get ugly. Paint it black.

Regardless, all hail Michelle Wie, the 2014 champ of the Asian, excuse, US Open. What's that, you say? Wie is an American who was born in Hawaii?

A likely story. I want to see her birth certificate. I think she came from the same place as the President. Some kind of mutant with Korean, Kenyan, Klingon, Vulcan, Romulan, and ewok blood coursing through their veins to be inserted on planet earth as the prelude to an eventual alien hostile take-over.

Ridiculous, you say? Maybe. But it's all relative. Check out the track records of Congress and the Detroit Lions over the years. Now THAT'S ridiculous.....