The idiot test

Why have we always called them redheads when their hair is actually orange?

And to steal an old line from Gallagher -- I loved that guy and his Sledge-o-matic, why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? What genius came up with those definitions? Ah yes, the good old days. You want a cheeseburger to go? WHAM!! It's gone. Great stuff.

One is left to wonder about the current plight of Tiger Woods. Last week, he crashed, burned, and didn't come anyway near making the cut. This, at one of his favorite courses where he has enjoyed lots of success in years past. This week, he blew up to a 77 first round score in Abu Dhabi, or is that Kemo Sabe, who cares, another of his favorite haunts, and then withdrew citing "back spasms".

So here's some questions..... Was it live or was it Memorex? Remember those ads? Or put more properly, did Eldrick have a real physical ailment, or was he faking it to save himself further embarrassment? Thing is, does it even matter? His legions of die-hard groupies (and the media) can wish I may, wish I might all they want for a roaring comeback, but this guy's toast in the big league golf world. It's over. Get used to it. (See title of this post).

How -- somebody please tell me how -- can there be 32 NHL teams and well over halfway through the regular season, only 3 have below .500 records? Could it be the insane scoring system where teams get points for losses?

Perhaps this is the result of political correctness fever gone a bit too far. After all, nobody can be "losers" these days. It might hurt their precious feelings.

On that note, did you know you were a hero? Of course you are, because everybody's a hero any more. Certainly all personnel in the armed forces. It doesn't matter if some schmuck has been peeling potatoes at a base in Boonyville USA for the last few years. By gum, that dude's a hero and will probably get a medal for bravery. After all, he could have nicked one of his fingers in the line of duty -- right?

Medals and awards are given out like candy when it's Halloween every day, 365. Movie and TV personalities hand out accolades to each other left and right. So does the media, all for just doing their jobs. The former make a living pretending they're someone else, while the latter talks or writes about someone else. This is award worthy?

So here's another question? How come the likes of plumbers and electricians don't get some of that kind of love? If your toilet won't stop running or the lights keep flickering, who are you going to call?  Ben Affleck? Oprah? The NY Times or CNN? Good luck with that. If anybody deserves a medal, it's that dude or dudette that shows up at your door and charges you maybe a couple hundred bucks to bail you out when something went horribly wrong. Not some high-falootin egomaniac making millions every year spouting off in one way the other, while accomplishing nothing.

The Detroit Pistons continue to be underwhelming. In the pre-PC world, one might have said they suck, slugging it out for last place in their division. But the feel good people would have us know the Pistons are within reach of the playoffs. Well gee, that's great. Just one problem. Even if they make it there, they'll be a 7 or 8 seed. And for that, they'll get the dubious honor of being blown out 4 games in a row by the like of the Cleveland Cavs or Boston Celts in the first round.

Yet by making the playoffs, the Pistons eliminate themselves from getting a "lottery pick" in next year's draft -- someone who could possibly be a difference maker -- or at least a start.

This probably shouldn't be so surprising when one considers that the Pistons have a head coach, who supposedly reports to not one, but two general managers, who in turn report to the president, who is the same person as the head coach. If that's not the most idiotic management structure professional sports has ever seen, yours truly is hard pressed to think of one that tops it on the dumb-o-meter. And this is the same franchise whose new owner poured some $10 million into upgrading an already paid for and world class arena the team has long played in -- only to move them out of town and share a building with another team. Say what?


But when it comes to idiot tests, there can be but one clincher. The Detroit Lions will raise ticket prices again. Well, of COURSE they will. Why would they dare, one might ask, when they haven't won squat in over half a century?

That's because even the bumbling Ford family that has owned them all this time has enough sense to know the sappies will continue to believe next year will be THE year. For exactly what, none seem to quite know for sure, certainly not the Super Bowl -- cough, gag, guffaw -- but it sounds good, right?

Yep, P.T. Barnum nailed it. Not only is there one born every minute, but in Motown they pass it on from generation to generation.

And the hits, or is that twits, just keep on coming.

Alas....