Smokies and bandits

I think it started in the south somewhere. Maybe with Paul "Bear" Bryant of Alabama. I'm talking about the "smokies" on the field escorting coaches around after a football game.

It used to be it was maybe a couple skinny guys that reminded one of Barney Fife doing a little moonlighting. Not any more. Nowadays, there's some beefy skin-headed brutes out there that look like they belong in the World Wrestling Federation.

You know who I'm talking about. The guys with the flat-brimmed hats, Popeye arms, and drill sergeant attitudes that one would normally expect to be hiding behind an interstate overpass with their radar on and their CBs tuned to channel 19. Yeah, those guys. And it's no longer just a southern phenomena -- they're everywhere -- at every game -- from football powerhouse universities all the way down to the lowliest Podunk State. Which raises a few questions.....

First, who's paying for these guys at the games? If it's the home university, then somebody's double-dipping somewhere because they're already on the taxpayer rolls. Conversely, if they're assigned there by their sergeant, captain, chief, whatever, then the taxpayers are getting ripped off. Instead of being out catching criminals, these guys are watching a football game for a few hours -- just so they can escort some coach off the field when it's over. No matter how heated the team rivalry might be -- has anybody ever heard of renegade fans attacking a coach after a game? Not me. Which leads me to....

What if it DID happen? The home team just suffered a beatdown by an archrival, with the opposing coach running up the score to rub it in, and the players dancing and mocking the crowd to the point where the fans anger boiled over into riot mode. What then?

If only a few crazy fans ran onto the field -- the whole team of highly-conditioned football players, in full pads, helmets, and all, wouldn't just sit around and watch their coach get abused. They'd handle it.

Yet if a few thousand torqued-up maniacs came pouring onto the field with mayhem on their minds -- what good are the "smokies" going to be anyway? They'd be overwhelmed in a matter of seconds. The dumbest thing they could probably do would be get belligerent and start with the mace and pepper spray. I don't know what would happen to them -- but it wouldn't be good.

So what's the point in their presence there?

They're like Barney Fife with an unloaded gun and only one bullet in his pocket. If a true emergency arises, they're useless anyway.

Better they should do something to earn their keep.

Best case scenario?

Since Andy retired, I hear Mayberry's grown up some, and is looking for a new sheriff and a few deputies these days.

Want perks? Talk to Opie. He just might be able to get them in the movies.

Beats sneaking around under overpasses too.