It's not easy being me. There's a lot of stuff that goes on that most people are completely unaware of.
You've heard about the "whales" in Vegas? They're penny-ante players compared to me. When I show up they call me T-Rex. It's kinda cool watching all the casinos dim the lights for a second to acknowledge the arrival of my customized Lear at the airport. Nobody ever notices the fighter plane escort because they broke off just before touchdown.
Tropical island hopping can get old, especially when your family owns most of them. Ever heard of St. John's? That's me. St. Charles? My dad. My uncle Thomas was married to Kitt. Croix was their pet parakeet. You get the picture.
Yeah, it's tough sometimes, but every once in a while I find my way home -- only to inevitably have to face that pesky Swedish bikini team that insists on hanging around here for some reason. They keep the house nice, cook reasonably well, give pretty good body massages and other small pleasures, but after a while -- they get boring -- ya know? After I please them all yet one more time, they get kicked to the curb so I can settle in to watch some sports.
That seems to be a problem. It's a Tuesday night. The World Series is over. No NFL football. The NBA is still out in never-never land somewhere. The NHL? Even the "most interesting man in the world", one Barry Melrose, won't be able to jump-start fan interest in hockey until the Super Bowl is over next year and the playoffs draw near. And what channel can you you find them on in the meantime anyway?
Click. Click. Click. No golf, tennis, bowling, rugby, or lacrosse. Anxiety was beginning to set in. More clicks. I'd settle for polo, badminton, croquet, even synchronized swimming. Wasn't happening. Northern Illinois was playing Toledo on ESPN2, but Jeopardy was coming on. I opted for Alex and hoped a sports category would pop up. Nope. I began to shiver uncontrollably. The only other time in my life when I experienced such "down to the bone" coldness was talking to my ex's divorce lawyer -- but I won't get into that.
At any rate, this withdrawal thing isn't easy. It's kind of like what happened after my senior prom, but much colder.
Hopefully better days lie ahead. I can do without Vegas, the islands, and even Swedish meatballs, though I must admit the latter has a way of stimulating my appetite on occasion.
Yet my health seems to depend on getting a daily sports "fix".
Final score -- Northern Illinois 63, Toledo 60. Helluva game.
But I didn't watch it -- honest. Would I lie?
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