Saturday, April 27, 2013

NBA playoff rants

The millionaires are dropping like flies. Kobe Bryant tore his Achilles tendon a while back, so he's gone. But with or without the black mamba, the Lakers weren't going far in the playoffs. They're old and getting more dysfunctional by the day, with Dwight Howard leading the clown act. Such a magnificent physical specimen. Such a pinhead.

Jeremy Lin of the Houston Rockets is out with an arm injury, but it doesn't matter. The Rockets had ZERO chance of making it to the finals.

On an innocent enough looking play, Russell Westbrook of the Okla City Thunder suffered a knee injury. He gone. This is a bigger deal. Without Westbrook Okla City becomes somewhat of a one-man show with Kevin Durant. Durant's one of the most dominating players in the game, likely as good or better than Lebron James was at the same age. Plus he's 3 inches taller. But like Lebron couldn't lead the Cleveland Cavaliers to a title all by himself, neither will Durant without Westbrook. It ain't gonna happen. Sure, they'll get by Houston, but somewhere down the playoff line, and I suspect shortly, the Thunder will become a whimper and get bounced by a team they may very have have defeated if Westbrook was still there.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Uh-oh. He's back. The most interesting man in the world. Now he's translating hieroglyphs, leading a flock of geese in his Red Baron plane, and riding on top of a railroad freight car. But I still have one question. If he's so interesting, then why is it that at the end of the day he can still only get flat chested women to hang out with him?  Then again, if one drinks enough of that beer he's hawking, by about 2 in the morning even Roseanne or Judge Judy might start looking good. The moral of the story? Stay wasted, my friends. And good luck when you wake up the next day and see what's in bed next to you.

The eastern conference in the NBA seems to be a foregone conclusion. Seriously, if they stay healthy themselves, who's going to stop the Miami Heat? The Pacers, Knicks, or Nets? Please. The Chicago Bulls are still trying to figure out the case of the mysterious missing Derrick Rose. Though he was medically cleared to play weeks ago, and has been going full-out in practice, including running, cutting, jumping, slam-dunking, etc, for some time, Derrick still says he's not ready. This from a guy who's team is fighting for it's playoff life while making a little north of $30 million bucks this year. Now this is about as sweet as a gig can get. All the pay and none of the play. But Rose says he still doesn't feel quite right. Let's everybody feel sorry for poor Derrick. Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. Perhaps a counselor might be in order to help him get past this traumatic experience. Either that, or he needs somebody to put their foot in his ass and say, "Wake up sunshine. Nappie time is over. LETS GO".

And now another short commercial break. Well, let's see. We've had a duck, some kind of green lizard, and cave men trying to sell us insurance. There's the never-ending adventures of some dopey lady peddling policies out of shoeboxes in what looks to be some sort of sanitarium (don't laugh -- if you start adding up the royalties that chick is making every time one of those ads is aired -- that girl can probably BUY a couple pro sports teams) . Plus there's another guy on the loose destroying houses, cars, boats, you name it, while representing still another insurance company. Not long ago, we saw barbarians running amok tearing up everything they could get their hands on and wanting to know what was in our wallets. Which brings me to another question -- are these companies that stupid or do they think we are? Nevermind. I think I already know the answer to that.

Regardless, yours truly just doesn't see anybody knocking off Miami. If it was a one game series -- then yeah -- any other team could play well and have a "puncher's chance". But in a 7 game series I just don't see it happening.

On a related note, NBA ref Joey Crawford is still out there officiating playoff games, no less. What is it with this guy? Is he commissioner David Stern's brother-in-law, or cousin, or something? Talk about a loose cannon. He not only calls imaginary fouls, but once gave Tim Duncan, of the San Antonio Spurs, a technical foul for merely smiling at him -- while Duncan was sitting on the bench.

Somehow I think Joey has a second career waiting for him when his NBA days are over.

Selling insurance on TV.


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