Thursday, April 11, 2013

Tiger Woods and Adrian Peterson

No doubt, both are stars in their respective sports of professional golf and football, but it might be interesting to consider what they actually do that warrants such fame.

Just last year, Adrian Peterson came up a mere 9 yards short of setting the all-time single-season NFL rushing record. Nobody talks about that much any more.

Over the last five years, Tiger has remained 4 victories short of catching Jack Nicklaus' all-time record of 18 major victories. Millions of people talk about the next one every time Tiger tees it up -- and even sometimes when he doesn't tee it up.

Tiger leisurely strolls along pristine golf courses while plying his trade. At the end of the round, he'll retire to a clubhouse, perhaps to enjoy an icy beverage while contemplating whether he should slightly adjust his putting stroke the next day.

Adrian often plays on concrete-hard turf while plying his trade. At the end of the game, he'll also retire to a clubhouse, perhaps to immerse his entire body in ice while contemplating whether he'll be able to get out of bed the next day.

Tiger has a gofer, often referred to as a "caddie", to carry his clubs for him.

Adrian has to carry the football by himself.

At that, such a caddie will often run interference for Tiger. It's just not acceptable for the hordes of adoring fans, aka the hoi polloi, to get too close to his master. Horrors, if one of them actually touched him.

On the other hand, Adrian typically has blockers. They try their best to keep eleven highly conditioned and well paid savages on the opposing team from doing their job -- which is to "bring him down". The more pain the brutes can inflict while doing so -- the better they like it.

If it happens to be raining a bit, Tiger's caddy will dutifully hold an umbrella over his precious head. Under no circumstances should His Highness get wet, lest he melt like the wicked witch of the west. If Mother Nature gets a bit too severe with her pesky precipitation, a siren sounds and golfers such as Tiger are quickly whisked away into the comfort of the above mentioned clubhouse.

If it happens to be an open air stadium, and the wind chill factor is around 40 below, Adrian Peterson has to play on. If Mother Nature gets even more severe with howling winds and a blinding blizzard during the game -- they continue to play on.

There have been times when Tiger Woods needed a bit of energy. He might occasionally eat a banana while on the course. This is a big deal and will be shown on countless replays.

There have been many more times when Adrian Peterson has absorbed a few thousand pounds worth of violent energy from an impact that happened on the gridiron. This is business as usual.

Tiger had a knee scoped a few times. Despite his legions of groupies likely clasping their heads in their hands and wailing OMG, yours truly can attest that this procedure is rather minor and, typically within a week or so, one is back doing what they did before.

However, that should not be confused with reconstructive knee surgery. Both Tiger and Adrian underwent such procedures.

During his rehab, Adrian Peterson humped and humped and busted his balls. He was back in near-record-setting form in under a year. He currently enjoys a $100 million contract with the Minnesota Vikings.

While Eldrick seemed to be busy with his own version of the humping thing on his road to recovery -- he wound up getting his own balls busted for his shenanigans. It cost him about $100 million, payable to his ex and kids.

The moral of the story?

There's men, and then there's boys. See them for what they are and appreciate the difference.

And never cheat on a Swedish girl. Better to take one's chances running head on into a blitzing middle linebacker. That only hurts for a little while.

Yet, not long ago, it was rumored Tiger wanted to remarry Elin Nordegren, the mother of his children. She reportedly countered with a $200 million pre-nup required from Tiger, and an additional $350 million anti-cheating clause had to be a part of the package, before she'd even consider it. Plus she's been dating a billionaire.

Wow. If so, and with all due respect to Adrian Peterson-- yours truly stands corrected. I had no idea golf could be such a brutal game.













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