Maria Sharapova is a lot of things, not the least being the #2 ranked ladies' tennis player in the world. She seems bright, well-spoken, and humble enough. Also not too hard on the eyes, especially if one has a preference for tall, blond stick-girls with very large bank accounts.
But she's also a screamer and Sharapova is in full-howl mode at this year's Australian Open. Again. Every single time she strikes a tennis ball on the court -- she shrieks. Every serve, every fore and backhand -- it doesn't matter. At times when she hits a bad shot, she'll shriek when she first strikes it -- then again when it doesn't go where she wanted it to. A double scream in the course of less than half a second.
While yours truly definitely appreciates Ms. Sharapova's talents, it becomes extremely difficult to watch her play. I mean, what is a fan to do? We want to hear the sound of the rackets striking the tennis balls and the crowd reaction, etc., so the "mute" button isn't the best option. But who wants to be subjected to somebody shrieking every two seconds? This can get very old -- very fast.
Does Sharapova act the same way in real life? Without getting into the industrial strength ear protection that would likely be necessary in the boudoir for a male suitor, does she get that vocal when performing routine tasks? When driving a car, does she shriek every time she hits the brakes or signals a left/right turn?
Imagine her ordering breakfast at a restaurant. "I'd like a (SCREAM) glass of orange juice. One (SHRIEK) poached egg, a half order of (YOW) wheat toast, and a small side of (AIEEEE) hash browns." Chances are, the waitress would think she had a lunatic on her hands. "We have a problem. Security to Table 6."
But in the whole scheme of things it could be worse. Much worse, actually. What if, instead of shrieking, Sharapova had the same problem with flatulence? You know, farts.
Every time she struck the ball on the court, she ripped off a beauty. BRRRRRTZ. That would change everything. After a few hundred of those, forget the earplugs. They might have to evacuate the stadium and bring in a HazMat team to fumigate and decomtaminate it. This could definitely lead to longer matches. And who would want to pay big bucks to sit in the stands while having to wear a gas mask while some tennis player (and #2 would take on a whole different meaning) was soiling her nethergarments every 5 seconds or so?
It could even escalate. A squadron of fighter jets might scramble to check out the mysterious brown mushroom cloud rising above Melbourne. OMG, it's a terrorist attack. Fire at will. This could get out of control.
Yours truly once had a large outside dog. I built him a double-insulated two-room dog house, a regular canine palace to sleep in. I loved that boy, but he would bark -- all night long. The neighbors complained. Then I found a vet that did a "debarking" procedure. Quite painless, and it worked. My boy lived to be a ripe old age and enjoyed a lot of comforts and companionship along the way, but he had been muted. It was best for all.
It's probably not realistic to consider Maria Sharapova having the same procedure done because, after all, I'm pretty sure she would never settle for a two-room house, no matter how fancy it was.
But something really needs to be done about her incessant shrieking.
Are muzzles allowed on the pro tennis circuit while they're in action on the court? If not, they should be. In the case of some players -- mandatory.
With any luck John McEnroe would endorse them. Who better to be the poster child for such a product?
Just a thought.....
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