Many Detroit Lions' fans continue to whine about how their team got "jobbed" in Dallas last week. Given a few highly questionable calls (or non-calls), to say the least, maybe they did.
Yours truly was in a local watering hole earlier today while the Dallas/Green Bay game was showing on the Godzilla screen. As cosmic payback forces sometimes go, it appeared the Cowboys were on the short end of a bad call. Wide receiver Dez Bryant caught a pass, had both feet inbounds, and went to the ground less than a yard short of a touchdown. The ref on the spot ruled it a catch. But upon "further review" it was determined Bryant didn't maintain "full control" of the ball throughout. Therefore, it was an incomplete pass.
A hard-core Lions' fan -- hey, when someone is wearing a Lions' cap, Lions' jacket, and has his beer in a Lions' cup holder, it's not a stretch to make such an assumption -- jumped up, shook his fist, and screamed, "Damn right. That's what I'm talking about!!!!".
So after giving him a couple seconds to wipe away his Honolulu blue and silver drool on his Lions' terrible towel, I edged up and dared to ask the following question:
"No offense my man, but are you a Packers' fan too?"
"Hell no", he replied. "We got screwed last week by Dallas and I effing-A want to see THEM get screwed this week. They just did. Bartender, gimme another double shot of Blue Suh Maui.".
Well now. This was a serious, if misguided Lions' fan. Whether or not if the Bryant call or the ones the week before in Big D had gone the other way would have produced a different outcome in the final score is merely a matter of speculation. Maybe. Maybe not. We'll never know. But Detroit went down to Dallas, and Da Boys went down to Green Bay. That much we DO know. And I hope that dude found his way home safely in his blue and silver pick-up truck with Lions decals all over it. As he sped away, I noticed something unusual. Dual exhaust is cool, but yours truly had never seen one pipe painted blue and the other silver before. There's fans, and then there's ridiculous fans.
[Incredibly dumb commercial dept. What is it with those three bimbos and their "push it" ad? I'll get back to that.]
Nevertheless, such calls, or not, are what happens sometimes given the on-field officials, the rule book, and the "guys in the booth".
First of all, most NFL refs and other on-field officials aren't even full-time employees. There's a reason why the vast majority of them have other "regular" jobs through the week. Because while countless millions of dollars, the hopes of fans of the teams, and even championships may come into play by the calls they make -- the NFL doesn't pay them enough money to quit their "day jobs". In and of itself, this is preposterous. While many players on the fields are making over a million bucks a game, you're telling me the league and owners can't afford full-time officials at, say, a sliding scale ranging from $100,000 to maybe $250,000 for an entire season, depending on seniority and which on-field jobs they actually perform? I don't believe it. If you want really good officials, make it so they can devote their entire year studying their craft. In particular, this refers to ---
The NFL rule book. Once in a while, we'll hear some talking head or other geek actually quote a rule from this monstrosity. You know, Chapter 4, paragraph 7, subsection 3(b) or whatever. But the NFL rule book is much like the IRS tax code in a couple ways. For every rule in one section that says a certain action is legal -- there's another rule in a different clause that says it's not. Thousands of pages of conflicting gibberish and, in the end, nobody knows what the hell the rules actually are. It's all up to interpretation.
Look at it this way. If you were on trial in court for a serious crime, and were paying hot-shot lawyers (the players) $500 an hour to represent you, would you really want the jury box (the refs) to be full of a bunch of folks that were dragged away from their regular jobs and are making a paltry $20 bucks a day to sit there while worrying more about their regular lives than your case? Hmm. Come to think of it, that's pretty much how it works.
[Back to the bimbos and their pushing folly. Next time you see that ad, ask yourself a couple questions. Why would any office or business install exterior doors that push inwards from the outside, and also have large "PUSH" signs prominantly displayed -- have handles on the outside of the door? What are they good for? Cut to the next scene on an elevator. Ever hop into an elevator and have three stooges, one playing an electric piano of all things, simultaneously exhorting you to "push" the buttons? Ever seen an elevator with "pull" buttons? I don't know who's running the company responsible for such ads, but these are evidently very stupid people. It kind of ranks right up there with an old Gallagher joke referring to signs on the doors of businesses regarding blind people. "Only leader dogs allowed beyond this point". That's great but who, exactly, is reading such postings?]
Then there's the "guys in the booth", aka replay officials. Nobody's knows who these people are. Evidently, it's a matter of national security that their identities be kept secret. One never knows what band of (name the team) terrorists might spring up and wreak mass havoc if a call doesn't go their way.
For that matter, we don't know if they're guys at all let alone, what, if any, level of expertise they have in interpreting NFL rules. They might be teenaged girls that were plucked from the local mall. Or chimpanzees on loan from the local zoo. Give them a few bananas to eat, monitors to watch, buttons to push, and either would likely be happy. Let THEM make the final calls through their headsets. "Ooh, ooh, ooh" means the original call was confirmed. "Ack, ack, ack" means it's overturned. And hard telling what the monkeys might say, given the same chance. No wonder it takes the officials on the field so long to finally come to a decision. Ever tried to decipher grunting primates through headphones while 80,000 people were roaring all around you? Good luck getting it right.
So why not pay the NFL on-field officials a living wage so they can afford to study their craft full-time? The "expertise" of the guys, girls, or Cheetahs in the booth would no longer be necessary. You don't see NBA refs having to consult the "booth", nor Major League umpires. When a disputed call arises, they put their heads together, huddle up to watch all the angles and slo-mos of the particular play, and make a call. They KNOW the rules and don't need anonymous others interpreting them. Yes, despite the venue they might be at thousands of miles away, the NHL refs still defer to the gods, girls or silverbacks in Toronto on such matters. But, hey, Gary Bettman is still the Commissioner, so one can't expect a Judge Judy to morph into an Angelina Jolie overnight.
[And if those girls ever follow me around telling me to "push it" when I'm mowing the lawn, somebody's likely to wind up missing a few toes when I "pull" a quick U-turn. I don't need that aggravation. Let the replay officials sort it out. I will forever maintain it was "incidental contact".]
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