Monday, October 26, 2015

Detroit Lions. And then what?

So the Lions just got pounded at home by the Minnesota Vikings. This should be no great surprise. In most every facet of the game, the Lions aren't very good. Their current 1-6 record would seem to be an accurate reflection of the team's competency in the NFL. Let's look ahead....

Next week, the Lions are off to jolly old England to take on the KC Chiefs. Two sorry teams travelling 5 times zones away to play a game in a country that considers American football little more than a circus act to begin with. For the sake of argument, let's assume the Lions lose that game as well.

Then, mercifully, they get a bye week. After that, unmercifully, it's off to Lambeau Stadium to face the Packers. Can we safely chalk that game up in the loss column? Following, it's...

Raiders. They seem to have new life this year and aren't too shabby.
Eagles on Thanksgiving day. Chip Kelly's boys have been a major disappointment so far, but who knows how they'll fare against the lowly Lions?
Then the Packers come to town. Ummm......
After the 3 week home stand, it's off to St. Louis to face the Rams. Not a great prospect.
Then on to New Orleans. Chances in the Big Easy? Maybe not so good.
Back home for the 49ers -- a team that seems to have imploded for various reasons over the last year.
They finish up @ Da Bears. Got a coin?

The point is -- forget the playoffs. That was a pipe dream perpetuated by the club and their ever-faithful koolaided media. It was never going to happen this year. It's possible the Lions could go 8-8 if they got hot, but could also slip to 4-12 -- or even conceivably worse. They seem to be in such disarray that it's hard to tell just how low they might go. Could they wind up with the -- gasp -- worst record in the entire league? Somebody has to and, right now, Detroit is a serious cellar contender.

If it plays out that way, being the worst team in the league means they would get the first overall draft pick next year. That would raise an interesting question. What do they do then? Who would they pick at what position?

Hot-shot college quarterbacks typically rank at the top of the list, but the Lions are married to Matthew Stafford for a few more contractual years. True, he's never even won a single playoff game, and may never with the Lions, but he's likely untradeable as well. Given his one step forward, two steps back career progress, it's highly unlikely another team would be willing to take on his lucrative contract, in the process giving up a quality player or draft picks as well. That's not going to happen.

A running back? There's certainly a couple eye-poppers out there in the college ranks that will likely turn pro after this season. Notably Ezekiel Elliot of Ohio State and Leonard Fournette of LSU. But the thing is, even a superstar college running back won't succeed in the NFL without a good offensive line blocking for him. The Lions O-line has been in flux for years. Still is. Let's just say they're not the most formidable bunch. Why blow the first overall pick on a running back if he's just going to get stuffed anyway?

Receivers? The Lions have long had Calvin Johnson and got Golden Tate via free agency from the Seattle Seahawks. The Megatron keeps taking his beatings, and the former Notre Damer seems to be much more about sound bytes and cockiness than he is about production on the field. The good Mr. Tate has seemingly pulled off an impressive two-fer. He combines Roberto Duran with Mount Rushmore. Hands of stone and head of stone.

Nobody takes a linebacker or defensive back with the first pick, though the Lions need serious help in both departments. A D-lineman? A boy named Suh, AKA the Stomper, was the best one the Lions had in years -- but he bailed. And unless the likes of a Lawrence Taylor is available, one guy is not going to make much of a difference up front either.

A kicker? Get real. Unless some dude can start regularly making 70 yard field goals or routinely boot 70 yard punts with a hang time of 10 seconds, that's not going to happen either. Besides, when's the last time you heard of a kicker being picked in the first round? They aren't. Though they can often be the difference makers in games, they are also amongst the lowest paid on the team. Any team.

Again, this is assuming the Lions have the first overall pick next year. If so, many other teams would covet it. So what should the Lions do if they find themselves in that position? Trading down for more quality picks would seem to make sense. They need a lot of help at a lot of different spots before they can even remotely become championship contenders.

But maybe there's a better way. How about packaging the first pick with GM Martin Mayhew, head coach Jim Caldwell and his entire staff, bean counter Tom Lewand, and shipping the whole sorry crew off to a chicken ranch on the outskirts of Las Vegas -- like the one that damn near killed Lamar Odom with pleasures of the flesh? They could be off screwing somebody else besides Lions' fans and have a merry old time.

In return, the Lions could receive a whole bevy of beautiful ladies of the evening, or morning, or afternoon, whatever. Suit them up in the Honolulu blue and silver. Would they win many games? Probably not, but neither have the Lions over the years. And how much more fun would THEY be to watch doing battle with the testosterone laden brutes that opposed them? Illegal contact, procedures, formations, and personal fouls could take on a whole new meaning.

Heck, 90 year-old football heiress Martha Ford probably wouldn't know or notice the difference anyway.

Just a thought......


  1. Here's an idea:

    1. Fords sell team to new owner.
    2. New owner swaps with Kroenke.
    3. Old Lions (Mayillen, Lewand, coaches, and players except for Megatron) become new LA Rams and adopt Rams history.
    4. Old St. Louis Rams become New Detroit Lions with Lions name, colors, and history.
    5. New Lions build from the trenches.
    6. Detroit Lions become SB champs by 2020. LA Rams are perennial doormats that lose money.

    A pipe dream, but a great one.

    1. Good stuff, Anon. Always did like your Mayillen bit. Might steal it someday, if you don't mind. You had me right up until #6. I'm not buying 2020. 3020 maybe. Have a great one and thanks for commenting.

    2. A fellow Lions fan named Josh, who I have good conversations with, came up with Mayillen. He hasn't given up on the Lions, but he knows that Mayhew has no business being a GM.

      The name is Mach by the way. I've commented on here before.

      On the plus side, the Lions finally sacked Lombo.

      -Mach (your favorite anon)