Monday, November 16, 2015

C'mon man rants.

Yours truly came upon an interesting saying a little while ago. To wit:

"All true artists, whether they know it or not, create from a place of inner stillness. The mind then gives form to creative impulse or insight. Even the great scientists have reported that their breakthroughs came at a time of mental quietude".

What does this have to do with me? Absolutely nothing. I'm a hack writer that lurches from one calamity to the next in real life. I can barely spell kwiatoode let alone ever experience it. But I thought it was a pretty cool quote. I know. C'mon man. OK. Onward.

The good people that brought us buffalo wings -- wait -- stop right there. Did you ever see a bison that could fly? Anyway they've come up with something new. Chicken fries. Indeed. Question -- what, pray tell, does one have to do to a chicken to turn it into french fries? And what could be next? Unicorn sliders? Shark knuckles? Dare I mention elephant egg omelets, lest they show up on a menu somewhere soon? C'mon man.

Old (Norm) MacDonald has finally found a new gig. E-I-E-I-O. Now he's pretending to be Colonel Sanders hawking the KFC line of goodies. Hey, the dude's still talking through his nose and has the same moronic look he always did. Note to the brass at KFC. This is the best you and your ad people could come up with? It's a slap in the face to people that have enjoyed your product for decades. I won't be buying any more of your wares until you get rid of this clown.  C'mon man.

And on that note, what's the deal with Popeye's? The only thing I ever saw the pipe-smoking sailor man eat was spinach. Where did this whole chicken gig come from? And do they cook it in Olive Oyl? Are Swee Peas available as a side dish? Yikes!!. C'mon man.

Watching the Houston Texans improbably defeat the formerly unbeaten Cinci Bengals on MNF revealed something interesting. Houston has a couple guys on their defense named Mercilus and Pleasant. So which way do they want it? Take no prisoners or play patti-cake? No wonder they lose so many games. They have no identity. Plus they have a defensive coordinator named Romeo. Montague, Crennell, what's the difference? They both always lose in the end. Anybody named Romeo has no place in the fearsome world of the NFL. C'mon man. What's next? The Barber of Seville as a GM? Turn him loose on Richard Sherman and Larry Fitzgerald first, before he settles into the executive suite. Those guys are in SERIOUS need of haircuts.

Neither does a Lovie. Lovies belong married to a millionaire on Gilligan's Island. If I remember right, that actress was the late Natalie Schaefer. She didn't know squat about football either. Lovie Smith was a disaster during his Chicago Bear years and somehow wound up the head coach in Tampa Bay? What were they thinking down there? They thought THIS guy was an upgrade? Over what? A cardboard cut-out of Alfred E. Neuman designing game plans? C'mon man.

Vince Wilfork, the huge brute and former nose-tackle that anchored the New England Patriots D-line bailed in free agency to -- Houston? Really? He left a perennial Super Bowl contender to join a no-shot team for a few extra bucks on top of the millions he was already making? C'mon man.

Same with Golden Tate. Fresh off a Super Bowl win in Seattle, he departed the Emerald City for the crime-ridden wasteland of Detroit and the sad-sack Lions? C'mon man.

Ndamukong Suh pretty much made a lateral move. The stomper was never going to see a Super Bowl playing for the Lions, so why not go to Miami? True, the Dolphins are a train wreck and at the bottom of their division as well. But at least the weather's warmer. It's something.

Jared Allen's career has taken some strange twists and turns over the years. Drafted by a not-so-good KC team. Then traded to the Minnesota Vikings. But he bailed on the Vikes a couple years ago. He had no way of knowing the Vikings would shortly hire a new head coach that would establish a fearsome defense he could have been part of. Nor that they would finally ditch the woeful Christian Ponder as QB and land a hot shot named Teddy. And Adrian Peterson, running back supreme, was going through his trials and tribulations. Things didn't look good in Minnesota. Perhaps it was easy to look for greener pastures. But going to the perennial doormat Bears when most teams in the league would have coveted his services? What was he thinking? C'mon man.

But Jared lucked out. After only one season in Chicago, he now finds himself a member of the Carolina Panthers. Last time I looked, they were still undefeated. If he's into car racing, Allen's at ground zero of NASCAR. Like college hoops? The Tarheels and Dukies aren't far away -- and they're always good.

And it doesn't take much of a drive out of Charlotte to find oneself in "God's country". North Carolina is a beautiful state indeed. Plus, lots of equally beautiful golf courses. And if Jared asks the right questions of the right people, he might be able to get himself a nip or two of "shine" to help those aches and pains go away from his latest battle on the gridiron -- or to help forget about his time with Da Bears. Rumor has it that stuff is still brewed in the neighborhood.

All in all, after years of trials and tribulations of his own, I dare say the good Mr. Allen has finally landed in some mighty tall cotton indeed. Way to go.


  1. You know what's also something? Suh has a king's ransom for a salary. And the Lions won at Lambeau without Suh.

    Ngata is nowhere near as talented, but he got the job done for the Lions.

    1. Yeah, the Dolphins shot themselves in the salary cap foot when they signed the stomper to such a ludicrous long term contract. Another c'mon man. And the Lions improbably won at Lambeau despite several gaffes that probably should have cost them the game. But that's the way it goes sometimes.

      As for Ngata? He's just a big body filling a spot, and can't seem to stay healthy either. My guess is he'll be gone soon. Even the woeful Lions, with their Keystone Kop ownership, front office, and coaching staff, will figure out a better option. Maybe. Beating the Packers recharged the koolaiders, but the Lions are what they are. And that's nowhere near being a Super Bowl contender. This year, next year, or in the foreseeable future. Isn't that what's supposed to matter? To think otherwise is pure folly.