Saturday, November 14, 2015

Sports Illustrated, numb butts, and Title IX

In a recent issue of SI their hoop gurus dished on the preseason college basketball ratings. This is nothing new. SI ranks teams every year in several sports. Apparently, they have a whole staff of "experts" on everything in the world of athletics. Also, it seems they have at least a battalion level crew of stat geeks that can and will generate numbers from hell to support their conclusions.

So why do they always seem to get it wrong?

Nonetheless, their fearless college hoops rankings are out again, both for the guys and gals.

On the XY chromosome side, there are no surprises. The usual suspects are ranked at the top. You know, North Carolina, Kansas, Kentucky and Duke. But the SI rankings go all the way down to 20th place. That would be Texas. From one through twenty, analyses, probabilities, tendencies, and a bunch of ifs are included for each team. One would have to sit on the throne/porcelain receptacle/crapper until their gluteus maximus was sensate minimus -- as in your butt's number than the toilet -- to wade through and semi-digest all this junk. And who cares what the "usage rating" is for a back-up point guard? Does it make any difference if he's in the game 15.8 or 16.3% of the time? What sort of ghoulish nerd keeps track of this stuff? Stats from hell indeed.

Yet on the XX chromosome side, SI only considers 5 teams. They are even more the usual suspects. Geno's bambinos at UConn are once again the heavy favorites to win another title. Then there's Notre Dame, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Baylor. But that's it. SI doesn't deem any other women's hoop team even worthy of mention.

So the boys get 20 pages -- one per school -- and the girls only 5?

Wasn't Title IX supposed to fix this sort of sexual discrimination and give the ladies equal time and exposure?

Where's a federal judge when you need him -- or her?

Oh, that's right. They're all probably still crying for help to get off their toilets after having slogged through all this nonsense in the first place.

Y chromosome or not, there's no discrimination when it comes to numb butts. It is indeed an equal opportunity affliction. Sit there long enough and good luck when it comes time to stand up.

So how should one regard SI's latest pearls of college hoop wisdom?

There's a little lever behind you to the right. Press down.

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