Monday, March 20, 2017

Brady's jersey and the FBI

All of America can now officially breathe a collective sigh of relief. Tom Brady's missing Super Bowl jersey has finally been found. Whew! That was a close one. Maybe not quite as pressing a matter as, say, incoming nukes, but nevertheless of the highest importance to the well-being of the United States. Right.

Evidently, in their infinite wisdom and due diligence, the FBI tracked it down, along with another missing Brady jersey from a couple years back. Well, praise the Lord and all hail J. Edgar Hoover. The Fibbies are on the job.

Early reports say a "credentialed international reporter" was the evil culprit and said stolen goods were located somewhere in Mexico. What to do with this nefarious purveyor of evil? Hmm. Off with his head? Or failing that, maybe have him drawn and quartered -- off with everything else. At the very least a few years of waterboarding at Gitmo would seem to be in order. No wait, there's an even worse punishment for such a dastardly rascal. Make him Trump's press secretary and watch the torture begin. That'll teach him to mess with #12. Bwahahahaha.

At any rate, something is fishy about this story. First, the FBI has no jurisdiction or authority in Mexico unless specifically invited there by the Mexican authorities to pursue a matter. That would seem unlikely given that little "wall" snafu a certain President has been financially trying to ram down their throats of late -- to no avail. Throw in the threatened tariffs on all their goods heading north and the Mexican folks in power likely aren't overly fond of the Yanquis these days.

These people are going to invite the Fibbies into their own country to go rooting around over something as inconsequential as a stupid football jersey or two?  Yours truly finds that hard to believe.

That makes about as much sense as America inviting Mexico's Federales into the states to locate and arrest a Latino gang leader in a major city. Don't hold your breath waiting for that to ever happen. That turf thing can go both ways, or neither.

Second, it is said this jersey was valued upwards of $500,000. Well then. What manner of fool would be willing to cough up a half million for a football jersey most of the world has already forgotten about? It's not like it's a timeless treasure like the Mona Lisa, or the last dress Hillary wore before having her pant-suit epiphany.

Nevertheless, the ever-reliable Fibbies were evidently up to the formidable task. Order has been restored in the universe and Brady likely smiles. Prosecutors somewhere lick their chops. As they are likely to say or intend -- let me at this international terrorist and I'll jam him up tighter than Chris Christie's belt. Or at least feed him to a Senate committee to be slowly driven stark, raving mad, before they're done with the usual barrage of inane questioning. And THEN we'll talk about long-term punishment. How's 10 years as the sex slave of Judge Judy grab you? Did I mention bwahahahaha? This evil thing can get out of control at times.

However, congrats are in order for the beloved FBI, whether this was a technically legal operation or not. Only results matter -- right?

Pity they never could find those Alcatraz escapees back in the day. Or D.B. Cooper. And they've spent the last 40+ years still looking for Jimmie Hoffa, being led around hither and yon on a "where's Waldo" wild goose chase. And if they ever DO find him, then what? Dig up a skeleton only to rebury it somewhere else? They continue to spend millions of taxpayers dollars on such an incredibly futile premise, if ever even successful, to begin with?

But in the end, credit where credit is due. Congrats to the gallant G-men with the fancy titles and badges. It appears they solved this one. And hey, given all the other balls he continues to juggle, with a dubious success rate at best -- High Lord and Emperor Supreme -- sometimes known as the Commissioner -- Roger Goodell will take any good news he can get these days.

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