Signs of the Apocalypse

Everything's gone crazy.

Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers, the freshly crowned MVP of the National League, appears to have tested positive for some sort of performance enhancing drugs, before that trophy even had enough time to gather a little dust. He might be facing a mandatory 50 game suspension. But wait, it seems this test result was known to be positive about a month before the regular season ended -- as in maybe September. So somebody tell me why he was allowed to participate in the playoffs, get voted the MVP, do the talk show circuit, and he hailed as an all-around hero, if they knew this 3 months ago?

The people we once trusted the most with our children, such as certain priests, teachers, and athletic coaches, collectively seem to have a few amongst them that have allegedly turned into child-molesting monsters. What's next? Day care? The babysitter? Grandma? Brrr.

Think Ndamukong Suh of the Detroit Lions or James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers is a thug? Maybe you missed the basketball game between Cincinnati and Xavier. Towards the end of that game, it wasn't two NCAA Division 1 teams with a neighborhood rivalry, ala North Carolina and Duke, it was more like the Cripps and the Bloods in a meth lab. The Xavier team is called the Musketeers. Would it be a stretch to say that name originated from the original Three Musketeers? The candy bar is pretty tasty, but that literary trio of yore were known for their motto:  "all for one, and one for all." I don't seem to remember Athos, Porthos, and Aramis leading a jail break, gone horribly wrong. If you find something tasty about that, may I suggest you stop reading Dumas and instead sink your teeth into Anne Rice or Bram Stoker?

Normally, after such an incident, post-game press conferences are a forum where the players that were involved can be contrite, and at least reflect on possible wrong-doing. Not a certain player from Xavier. He wanted to talk about being dissed before the game, how his team consisted of a bunch of "gangstas", and even how their objective was to come out and "zip-up" the opposing team -- evidently a reference to a body bag. Jerry Springer, that loveable trailer trash rabble rouser, baggage and all, hails from Cincinnati. If you thought Pete Rose betting on baseball was bad -- well -- this is getting ridiculous. What IS it with that city anyway?

The presidents of those universities should haul their respective head coaches into their offices, complete with film of the incident, review it, and ask both coaches why they shouldn't be fired on the spot.

Talk about "lack of institutional control". Some of those players looked like they BELONGED in an institution.

Break down the film, and the main culprits have to go. No, not be suspended. Scholarships revoked and booted out of the universities. Bye. See ya. Go back to the 'hood because we don't want you here no mo.

But how do I really know everything's gone crazy?

If you believe the NFL Sunday-night game commercials, Santa Claus has ditched his sleigh and is now driving a Mercedes-Benz. Should we leave a Deutschmark in our Christmas stockings?

Better yet, Hyundai, a South Korean car company, is advertising Feliz Navidad. I'm not sure what they want us to buy. A Kia or a kilo.