Massive cover ups

No, this isn't about Watergate, or any other "gate" for that matter. Nor is it about certain, ahem, "wardrobe malfunctions". Rather, it has to do with something that we've long taken for granted, but shouldn't.  Flooring. That's right. Flooring. Other than oxygen, or maybe remote controls, what could be more important than what we walk on? Hate that cold bathroom tile in the middle of the night? Hey, it beats the heck out of a hot bed of coals, not to mention a sinkhole flushing YOU, instead of the other way around. Speaking of which, I dated this girl once that could.... well nevermind. Anyway, flooring matters. But it's tough to get a handle on it when it keeps changing.

The old Boston Gardens, longtime home of the Celtics, was famous for its parquet floor. Sure, there were those that thought parquet was some sort of talking margarine in a cup that people got confused with real butter -- but that was only a TV commercial. The basketball court itself was very unique. Nobody else had a floor like that. Nowadays, such things change as fast as a politician's loyalties.

The LA Lakers and LA Clippers both play in the same Staples Center, but depending on which is the home team, including when they're playing each other, a different floor will be used. Lakers one night and Clippers the next? A crew will be busy removing one floor and installing another, only to be repeated over and over again throughout the season.  How stupid is that?

Right now, the Big 10 is holding their basketball conference tournament in Chicago at the United Center -- home of the Chicago Bulls. The floor has been changed to say "Big 10" instead of the usual Bulls logo. Why should that be? Teams play on the road all the time and other arenas don't change their floor when visitors come-a-calling. Too boot, it's likely the Big 10 had to pony up big bucks to the good folks at the United Center to have this happen at all. The teams don't care what the floor looks like. They all measure the same. So what's the point, other than a waste of money?

Baseball and football are even worse, both college, professional and, in rare cases, even high schools. Over the years we've seen teams change from one variety of natural grass, to whatever the latest "turf" invention at the time is, back to another variety of grass, and back again. Sometimes communities will hold umpteen fund-raisers, or even manage to put a millage on the ballot --- just so they can pay for changing the color of their local football field. Really? Baseball stadiums can cover up most of where the infielders normally play with turf, only to leave a little dirt around the bases. Good grief. Countless generations played on grass football fields and baseball infielders learned the game playing on dirt for their entire young lives, including the occasional bad hop, but now these aren't good enough? Somehow, this is just wrong.

We need blue football fields like we need black ice in hockey. And when baseball players are spitting every 5 seconds, as so many seem to do for whatever reason -- stop and think about something. When that happens on grass, the ground crew will eventually turn the sprinklers or hoses on to water it down anyway, so it soaks in. No big deal. When those same players do it on turf -- be it bubble gum, tobacco, or whatever -- it's not going anywhere -- and would you want to be the guy/girl that has to clean it up after the game? Somebody has to.

It's odd when you think about it. Basketball courts are all the same dimensions, as are football fields. Hockey arenas look the same, but they're all different. And in baseball, there don't seem to be any rules at all when it comes to park dimensions. Fenway Park in Boston has a very strange layout, and in Houston, the deepest part of center field, where the bleachers would normally be, is not only still in play, but actually goes UPHILL. How weird is that?

Don't laugh, Detroit fans. Remember when Tigers' owner Mike Ilitch first got Comerica Park built. Not only did many wind up footing a good portion of the bill through tax dollars, a lot of people got booted out of their homes to make room for it as well. And after all the thousands of hours of engineering that no doubt went into the planning -- what happened?

A big fancy scoreboard, but the left field fence below it was too deep. Not enough home runs. So they reconfigured the whole shooting match, including the bull pens, so certain players could pad their stats. One way or the other -- fans paid for that too. Bigger stats mean bigger contracts mean bigger ticket prices, etc.

It's too bad all that can't be more like golf. A game that is much more civilized and brings a certain soothing constant into our lives. Like par 3s varying from 120 to 260 yards; some par 4s being longer than other par 5s; the difference between a perfect shot being one inch away from landing in a pit of sand deeper than one of Dick Cheney's bunkers........

On second thought -- no wonder they throw clubs once in a while.

Hmmm. Tennis anyone?