Dissecting the Detroit Lions

Following the 2013 regular season, a lot of NFL head coaches got fired. Given the "good-ole-boy" merry-go-round nature of the NFL, it's entirely possible some of these guys will land head coaching jobs elsewhere in a year or two. But I'll tell you one who won't. Jim Schwartz, formerly of the Detroit Lions. Jimbo may resurface as an assistant coach somewhere, or even pop up as a talking head football "expert" on some TV station in the future -- does Matt Millen ring a bell? -- but Schwartz has passed through the head coaching chamber of doom. (Otherwise known as coaching the Detroit Lions.) Just like there's no unringing a bell once it has rung, or uncooking a turkey once the meat thermometer has popped up in the oven -- there's no going back for Schwartz either. Like all his predecessors that passed through the Lions' organization -- his goose has been officially cooked. Stick a fork in him.

On to the Lions' players.

Quarterback Matthew Stafford is hard to figure out. He's been with the Lions for 5 years and is yet to win a single playoff game. Actually, he's only ever played in one and the Lions got blown out. On the positive side, Stafford seems to have shed his former image as a "china doll", whereby every time he fell to the ground, something broke. And he's certainly put up some gaudy passing statistics in the last few years. He received much fanfare for throwing for over 5000 yards during a season. Impressive -- or deceiving?

5000 yards is a bunch and not many NFL QBs have accomplished that milestone, but yours truly would submit it is deceiving indeed -- on a few levels. Stafford attempts more passes than most QBs because without much of a running game -- he has to. A lot of that yardage came about due to "screen" passes or throwing to a running back rotating out of the backfield, while still behind the line of scrimmage himself. After the catch, any additional yards gained by the running backs are credited to Stafford's passing stats. What may have started out as a completed pass for minus 2 yards might well turn into 80 yards if the player that catches it breaks loose and runs down the field. The QB gets credited with an 80 yard completion -- and that's deceiving.

As the QB, many think the Lions will rise or fall (at least offensively) depending on what Stafford does. I would further submit this is a fallacy. The Lions offense totally revolves around one player, and his name is Calvin Johnson. Take him away, for whatever reason, and the Lions are in nowhere land offensively.

Consider the Megatron himself. He's a magnificent physical specimen. Tall, fast, strong, tough, and makes unbelievable catches. Sometimes even when double or triple covered. But that's deceiving as well. At 6 foot 5, Johnson is typically a half foot taller than the defenders attempting to cover him. Look at it this way -- even if all 5 of the opposing players were surrounding him -- who do you think would catch the basketball if a lob pass was thrown to Wilt, Shaq, or Kareem? I'm betting on the big guy every time. Alas, there's a wee bit more contact that goes on in the NFL than the NBA, and continuing to throw to the same guy -- especially when the other team knows it's coming -- might just result in that guy taking a beating. To his credit, Johnson has played through various ailments -- but how much more of this can he take before something really bad happens?

Nevertheless, Calvin is Matthew's go-to guy. When in doubt, heave the ball in the general direction of the Megatron and hope for the best. This does not require skill. It's a matter of desperation. At that, Johnson has recently shown a penchant for having a ball hit him right in the hands when he's wide open -- and dropping it. Kind of like ----

Tight end Brandon Pettigrew. He seems to have Roberto Duran's hands of stone, and isn't a standout run blocker or pass protector either. His counterpart, rookie Joe Fauria, evidently thought he turned into a rock star, complete with dance routine, after catching his first TD pass. There's a reason Fauria got in hot water at Notre Dame, transferred to UCLA, and went totally undrafted by all NFL teams, only to sign on with the woeful Lions.

Reggie Bush was an upgrade at the running back position only because prior to his arrival, the Lions didn't have a running game. At that, there's probably also reasons why Bush was a two-time cast-off from other teams, the last being the Miami Dolphins, not exactly world beaters themselves. It's not like other teams were clamoring for his services -- far from it. So Bush found his way to the Lions. He still remains injury and fumble prone.

Detroit's offensive line has been retooled with a few young guys and remains a "work in progress". So what else is new? They are anchored by center Dominic Raiola. Considering Raiola has been with the Lions since 2002, and further considering their record since then -- if Raiola isn't already the all-time losingest player in the history of the NFL -- he's gotta be getting close.

Their linebacker corps is mediocre at best.

Besides the aforementioned Calvin Johnson, the Lions don't really have any other wide receivers they can count on.

The secondary is -- and has been -- pretty much a joke. Though much has been made in the Detroit area about signing a free agent here and there, they tend to forget these guys were castoffs from other teams as well. Safety Louis Delmas is a team leader. Safety Louis Delmas also has a "lingering" knee injury for 2 years running. Like Raiola, he must be approaching some sort of record. See Louis be very vocal from the practice field to the actual games themselves. One always know when Louis is around. Alas, see Louis routinely get burned by opposing wide receivers for big plays. Yep, one always notices when #26 is around. Bottom line? As a unit, even when they can stay healthy -- which isn't often -- these guys still can't cover anybody.

Even the place kicker situation is laughable. After 21 years of kicking for the Lions, the very reliable Jason Hanson retired at the ripe old age of 42. So what did the Lions do? They went out and signed a guy (David Akers) who was already 38. This is typical Lions' myopic thinking. Just like defensive end Kyle Vanden Bosch back in 2010. Though he was basically washed up as a player, the Lions signed him to a 4 year contract. Kyle was a leader, they said. A gym rat that would whip the other guys into shape. Kyle was a bust and got cut with a year left on his contract.

Speaking of the defensive line -- the Lions boast of having a great one. But do they really? They're hardly amongst the league leaders stat-wise. Basically, the Lions have two guys that can be occasional difference makers. Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley. They can disrupt the opposing offense with their ferocious play -- or -- they can disrupt their own team by committing stupid personal fouls which result in those pesky 15 yard penalties. Difference makers indeed. And how much of the latter nonsense do you think a head coach of a perennially good NFL football team, that also takes pride in player conduct, would tolerate? In places like New England or Green Bay, potential talent or not, these guys would have already been cut.

So this whole sorry rag-tag bunch is what the next head coach of the Lions has to look forward to.

He should enjoy the riches the Ford family will no doubt bestow on him, but remember even if he thinks he's perfectly healthy right now -- he's checking himself into the hospice of no return.

I think Eagles sung a song about that one time. Something about a hotel in California.

Hmmm. Maybe the Lions should move there. After 50 years of futility, it seems obvious they'll never succeed in Detroit. LA's a much bigger market, would love to have another NFL team, and maybe the warmer weather would be conducive to winning a bit more.

Just a thought.....