Monday, December 30, 2013

Bloody Monday in the NFL

Oh my, the slaughter is well underway amongst NFL head coaches, and more may follow soon. To no one's great surprise.....

The Houston Texans had already offed head coach Gary Kubiak. After showing promise last year, the Texans crashed and burned like the Hindenburg in 2013.

Though not much is normally expected out of the Cleveland Browns, and even though it likely won't make any difference, sometimes a pair of cement overshoes needs to come into play to keep the restless masses at bay. Former head coach Rob Chudzinski now sleeps with the rest of the Lake Erie fishes.

The Minnesota Vikings mercifully put head coach Leslie Frazier down. Like beloved pets, it's a hard thing to do, but there are limits when it comes to suffering.

The Tampa Bay Bucs started off the season 0-8. The evidence was in, a verdict rendered, and head coach Greg Schiano's date with the gallows was likely pronounced at that time. Finishing up 4-4 was not enough to persuade the court to overturn his conviction. To boot, general manager Mike Dominik was deemed an accomplice, and he had to take the big final swing as well.

Head coach Mike Shanahan of the Washington Redskins found himself at odds with his owner over certain player personnel issues. Plus -- the Skins stunk it up big time this year. Eccentric or not, when it comes to a CEO locking horns with his head maintenance man -- the firing squad normally awaits somebody, and it ain't gonna be the guy puffing big cigars in his luxury suite.

In Detroit, it appears even the Rip Van WinkleFords have briefly emerged from yet another sleepy hollow slumber to realize Lions' head coach Jim Schwartz was their worst investment since a guy named Matt Millen. Though Schwartz was rightfully gassed for his record of crimes against humanity (sometimes referred to as Lions' fans), including the damning evidence of his 29-52 rap sheet, the Fords still owe him $10-12 million dollars. Most of us could make ends meet quite nicely for a few years with that kind of dough coming in. It's good to work for the Fords. No wonder so many other candidates are coming out of the woodwork and applying for this job.

Head coach Mike Smith's mortality timer may be getting close to going ding in Atlanta. Though perennial playoff disappointments, just last year the Falcons were considered amongst the elite teams of the NFL. This year? See Houston Texans/crash/burn/Hindenburg above. Could it be that owner Arthur Blank has indeed drawn a blank on what to do next? Maybe. Or perhaps he's quietly putting the finishing touches on the high voltage connections to Smitty's hot seat before throwing the switch.

Somewhat surprisingly, head coach Rex Ryan seems to have been given a stay of execution in Jets land. The Jets could play well. Then the Jets could turn around and play terribly. Terrible won out. The Jets missed the playoffs -- again. But hey, Americans have always loved a clown. It just wouldn't seem right to have Bozo drawn and quartered, even if he had it coming.

On a much more somber side is head coach Tom Caughlin of the NY Giants. Super Bowl winners just a couple short years ago, the Giants have turned into midgets. And bi-polar little fellas at that. Could Tommy C have already eaten his last meal but just doesn't know it yet? Maybe.

And, of course, there's always the ever-loveable circus going on down in Big D. See America's team. See the bimbos with their pom-poms. See a stadium that puts the Egyptian pyramids to shame. See an overhanging jumbotron TV screen so big it can get all of Rhode Island, and maybe even Chris Christie in the same picture. Alas, see the Cowboys with a 138-136 record, the epitome of average, since Jerry Jones bought them. All the window dressing in the world still can't turn a Camero into a Cadillac.

Once again, Dallas finds itself out of the playoffs. So what to do? Obviously, owner Jerry Jones has some hard calls to make. Like his fellow late egomaniacal owner George Steinbrenner, JJ has never been shy about firing people. Heads will have to roll. But whose? Could or should he consult with his team president, general manager, and director of player personnel before arriving at such decisions? Sure. All he has to do is look in the mirror. Jerry's a one man show. But what of head coach Jason Garrett? Under Garrett, the Cowboys have gone 8-8 the last three years. It doesn't get any more average than that. JJ doesn't seem like a guy that tolerates merely average for very long. No doubt, he longs for the heady days of "HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS", as the champagne is sprayed around the room.

Yet for some reason, Jones seems to have an uncommon fondness for his boy Jason. Perhaps he will be spared the needle. Then again, billionaire owners, especially the high profile types, have been known to change their minds at a moments notice and re-summon the executioner.

And you know how it is with those red-headed stepchildren. It's just a matter of time before they fall out of favor......

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