Sunday, December 22, 2013

R.I.P. Detroit Lions. Again

That time of the season is upon us once more. Break out the shovels and etch another tombstone. We must lay the Detroit Lions to rest -- again. As sure as Christmas, Easter, and my mom's 39th birthday occur every year, so too will the Lions cause their fans to lower their heads in sorrow as they mourn yet another passing of their beloved team. Alas.

While folklore suggests cats have 9 lives, this thing with the Lions is getting ridiculous. They're over 50 and counting. It's kind of like a Dracula movie. You just know that towards the end a stake through the heart is going to come into play, and that nasty critter is finally dead. Gone. Outta here. Forever. But not the Lions. They'll rise up from the dead next year to prey on their gullible fans. Again. And you know what's REALLY scary? The minions of Honolulu blue and silver thralls will bare their necks, and wallets, while basically saying, "Take me. I'm yours". Again.

Yes, the Lions were officially taken off their playoff life support system by the NY Giants earlier today. Though they will be kept technically alive to suffer the ignominy of playing a meaningless game in Minnesota next week, for all intents and purposes the Lions are brain dead. Again. I'll get back to that.

And the NY Giants are terrible this year. How bad are they? If they were in one of those English premier soccer leagues, they'd have been demoted down to the next level. In the world of pro basketball, one might well imagine Isiah Thomas had been the head executive for a few years. Yet even the lowly Giants were able to stumble into Detroit and beat the puddy-tats in their own back yard.

It was nip and tuck there for a while, even going into overtime, as to which inept team could out-bonehead the other one. But never underestimate the Lions when it comes to the theater of the absurd. They have long since proven themselves as the undisputed champions of finding ways, sometimes almost comically ingenious, to screw up a football season before it's over.

Let's consider head coach (for now) Jim Schwartz. In 2009 he inherited a team coming off an 0-16 record. It doesn't get any worse than that. In his first year the Lions went 2-14. Still pretty pitiful, but at least a tad of improvement. The following year 6-10. Well OK, that's progress. In 2011 the Lions went 10-6 and made the playoffs. Sure, they got blown out by New Orleans in the opening round, but the long beleaguered Lions' faithful finally, FINALLY, sensed a miracle might actually be possible. There were guarded whispers of a Super Bowl appearance in their near future. Glory hallelujah, re-up the season tickets and pass the holy wine. The Promised Land was within sight.

Then last year came the harsh reality of Schwartz IV. What started off as a season with even higher expectations than the last, wound up flaming out and crashing like the Hindenberg. Schwartz and his Lions thudded back to earth with a 4-12 record, including losing the last 8 in a row. The ownership of any other NFL self-respecting team would have kicked Schwartz to the curb at that point. He had done what he and his staff could do, but it was blatantly obvious they had their limits. They would never be the ones to finally mold the Lions into serious contenders. The Promised Land had vanished into the ether yet again. Incredibly (or maybe not, considering their history of folly) the Ford ownership of the Lions gave Schwartz a 2 year contract extension.

Enter 2013. Yep, you got it. Dracula was back again. The Lions started off the season 6-3. Within their own NFC north division, they'd whipped the Bears twice, Minnesota was terrible, and the Packers were stumbling badly without the services of QB Aaron Rodgers. The Lions were a lock for the playoffs. The only questions that remained were how far they would go once the post-season started. They'll likely get at least one home game, maybe even two, quothed their eternally gullible hometown scribes. And their legions of thralls were eager to buy into the false hope. Again. They willingly cast aside that pesky garlic, threw off the crucifixes, and bared their necks. We're all in. Take us. Again.

And so it came to pass. The Lions would go on to lose 5 of out their next 6 games, and be eliminated from the playoffs entirely. Actually, save for an improbable last minute comeback against the Dallas Cowboys a few weeks ago, the Lions should have lost all of them. They are just -- that -- clueless.

What's truly dumbfounding is how the Lions and their thralls continue to insist they have so much spectacular talent on their team. QB Matthew Stafford throws for 5000 yards. Calvin (Megatron) Johnson is the best wide receiver in the league. Their defensive line is ferocious. The offensive line has been retooled and blocking extremely well. Reggie Bush gave them a serious threat in their running game. DeAndre Levy might also be the best linebacker in the league. And OMG, all those can't miss draft choices and free agent signings. Talent here, talent there, talent everywhere, they said.

So just one question.... With all this supposed talent, how come they still not only can't seem to win anything -- but have once again taken their place as the Rodney Dangerfields of the NFL? 

Nevertheless, it appears help may conceivably be on the way. According to sources at ESPN, Schwartz's seat was already flaming hot before his team bumbled away yet another (home) game to the hapless Giants, as another Lion season swirled down the porcelain receptacle. It appears even the Fords briefly come out of their slumber every decade or so to take a look at their team.

Those sources also claim the Fords have recently been quietly shopping around for a new head coach. It would appear that though Jimbo's goose has unofficially been cooked, he'll remain in the oven to face another likely lame-duck coach named Leslie Frazier of the Vikings next week in a meaningless game between two bad teams. After that, the carving knives may well come out.

Yet who would replace Schwartz? ESPN folks speculate the Lions are interested in Bill O'Brien, currently the head coach at Penn State. Thing is, after the contract extension mentioned above, this could be somewhat of a pricey deal for the Ford family. They still owe Schwartz about $12 million in guaranteed salary. Plus, Penn State has a buy-out clause built into O'Brien's contract. If you want him, it will cost you $6 million up front. So the Fords would be on the hook for $18 million before they ever sat down to negotiate their own contract terms with O'Brien. Assuming he would demand a multi-year contract in the 5-6 million a pop range, we're talking about a very expensive unproven commodity. Like Schwartz, O'Brien has never been an NFL head coach before either.

Schwartz's record (29-50) speaks for itself. But what if O'Brien turned out to be even more incompetent? Could happen. Hey, it's still the Lions, so anything's possible -- except being perennial contenders. And by then the Fords would have went back to sleep and the Honolulu blue and silver thralls might be stuck with another loser for the next several years. That doesn't seem right.

There's a better way. Forget O'Brien. Way too pricey.

Much better they try to pry Alfred E. Neuman away from MAD magazine. For a few million bucks the "usual gang of idiots" at MAD might be willing to loan out their beloved icon to put his face on on NFL team. And who better than the Lions?

Besides, it would come with a long needed extra benefit. All the age-old hand wringing and false hopes once again always dashed by the Lions would be replaced by a totally different way of thinking by their thralls.

What. Me Worry?

No, the Lions probably wouldn't get any better under Alfred's tutelage, but hey, if they're doomed to be losers anyway, why not kick back and have a few yuks?

Couldn't hurt.

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