The pride of the Lions

Recently, yours truly saw an AP article where the author claimed the Detroit Lions' final game against Minnesota is not totally meaningless. Though it has absolutely zero playoff implications -- after all - the Lions still have their pride to play for, he claimed. While said author no doubt had good intent, methinks at best, he overlooked the obvious and, at worst, was horribly misguided. Why?

Because shortage of pride on the Lions is not the problem. From the front office on down to the last guy on the practice squad, likely including the trainers and waterboys, they have pride coming out of their ears. It exudes from their every skin pore. This has to be the proudest gang of puddy-tats yours truly has ever seen.

When the "brain trust", and I use that term very loosely, drafts a player or signs a free agent -- they burst with pride like a peacock on steroids. Look at me, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, they'll crow while strutting before the media and home town fans. Funny, or maybe not, how those very same folks get harder to find than Jimmy Hoffa when some of their "can't miss" prospects go bust.

Pride? Head coach Jim Schwartz is chock full of it. Always has been. Forget throwing a challenge flag that cost his team a game, that he would later say he knew was against the rules, but did it anyway. And forget assaulting an opposing head coach on the field after another game, because the other guy's team had the audacity of defeating the Lions on national TV. And let's even forget that after 5 years at the helm, neither Schwartz nor his team seems to have become remotely proficient in Professional Discipline 101. This remains a mighty proud man. And speaking of godawful career records....

Consider long-time Lions' starting center Dominic Raiola. He's been with the Lions since 2001 and rarely missed a game during all that time. Dominic has shown himself to be durable. As a team spokesman, Dominic has never seen a microphone or camera he didn't like. Dominic always has something to say. Along that line, let's ignore that time when Dominic became verbally abusive with the Lions' own fans in their own stadium (one of which happened to be a lady friend of mine). What is harder to ignore, however, is how teams have fared with Dominic playing for them. The year before he showed up at Nebraska (1997), the Cornhuskers shared a national title with Michigan. Enter Dominic.The folks in Lincoln haven't had a national contender since.

From 2001 on the Lions' cumulative record is 60-147, for a sub-anemic winning percentage of .289 with Dominic "anchoring" the offensive line. Though my multiple attempts to verify it yielded no definitive results, Dominic might well be the all-time losingest player in the entire history of the NFL. Nevertheless, Dominic is proud to this day. Just ask him. He'll tell you.

Look around at the rest of that team. They have an aging wide receiver that can't even stay healthy, much less be productive, but he's always flapping his soup cooler about how proud he is of his teammates.

The Lions are proud of a couple defensive linemen that can sometimes disrupt the plays of the opposing team. Problem is -- those very same linemen have given the on-field officials -- and the league -- reasons to cast a more scrutinizing eye on their team because of some of their previous thuggery. Though making obscene amounts of money, it's questionable whether those guys could spell "class" if you spotted them all the consonants and one vowel. But dammit, they're proud.

No, despite the Lions having to play another woeful team limping to the finish line on the final game of their regular seasons, pride should have nothing to do with it. The Honolulu blue and silver keep that "gas" tank topped off.

Instead of playing for pride, they might want to consider stocking up a bit on other commodities that have long eluded them. Like, say, discipline, execution, knowing the rules, and cutting down on the brain farts that have stunk up their franchise for over a half century.

A couple parting thoughts ---

According to the Book of Proverbs, "pride goeth before the fall". Has any team been prouder and taken more falls than the Lions?

And, after all, a "pride" is the proper term for a group of lions in the wild. They are magnificent animals, and kings of the jungle. But that Detroit bunch that continues to be ridden roughshod, broken, and tamed by their fellow critters every year hardly seems deserving of such lofty status.

So let's be honest. In the whole scheme of the universe, there are some things that just aren't meant to mix well together. Like oil and water, matter and anti-matter, FOX and MSNBC, me and my ex, and so on. The Detroit Lions and pride take it a step further. They would appear to be mutually exclusive. Where one exists -- the other cannot, or at least damn well SHOULD not.

Yet that leaves a big question. If the Lions' and their faithful hordes of lemmings rightfully rule out thinking of the team in prideful terms -- then what would be an appropriate way of considering them indeed?

Hmmm. Does the name Bert Lahr ring a bell?

Just a thought.....